Fearless
by detective-smartypants
Summary: Melinda has been sick for a while, she has been suffering black outs and headaches...whats wrong with Melinda? Can Jim save her this time? Will this be the end?
1. confusion

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ghost Whisperer or any of its characters. I also don t own any books or songs featured in this fic. Although I mean, seriously how awesome would it be if I did? :]**

**A/N so, thanks to those who replied and told me it was a good idea to re write you can bet this. This version is the same, but with additions ;) Hope it is much better than the first you can beat this because to be honest my spelling was awful! Lol :) R&R x3 reaganx**

**_There's somethin' 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained  
There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car  
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there  
In the middle of the parking lot, yeah_**

We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know  
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now  
But you're just so cool, run your hands through your hair  
Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

And I don't know how it gets better than this  
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless  
And I don't know why but with you I dance  
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

So baby drive slow 'til we run out of road  
In this one horse town, I wanna stay right here  
In this passenger seat, you put your eyes on me  
In this moment, now capture it, remember it

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this  
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless  
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance  
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

Well, you stood there with me in the doorway  
My hands shake, I'm not usually this way  
But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave  
It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really somethin'  
It's fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this  
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless  
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance  
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this  
You take my hand and drag me headfirst, fearless  
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance  
In a storm in my best dress, fearless

A bright orange glow seeped through the curtains of Melinda's kitchen. Shining over the newly cleaned table tops, over the teal walls and bringing the room to life: illuminating the soft features of Melinda Gordon s face, her eyes fluttered open and she sat up. Slowly looking around. Beside her there was shattered glass, glistening at the sharp edges from the sunlight. She took a deep breath and sighed "why does this keep happening?" she asked herself, because, for the fourth time in the past two weeks, she had found herself on the floor. Confused and weak, she stood up and walked over to the couch in her living room, not far from the kitchen. She sat down for five minutes, till her aching head disappeared and the dizziness subsided. When she was feeling a little better she went into the kitchen and cleaned up the broken glass. After it though, for some reason she felt exhausted, so she decided to have a sleep. Looking at the clock on the wall she sighed 1pm "i'll wake up in an hour or two" she thought to herself, laying her head on the cushion and falling asleep instantly.

At 9pm Jim Clancy arrived home from a hard day at work, all he wanted to do was snuggle up with his wife. Who was currently taking a break from work because she wasn t feeling all that good? He set his stuff down by the door and went into the living room. He smiled softly when he saw Melinda snuggled up on the couch, fast asleep. She is so perfect he thought to himself as he kneeled down beside her. His smile disappeared when he noticed that her skin was pale and sweaty and she was shaking. He put his hand to her forehead and almost instantly he was concerned. "Melinda, babe, wake up" he said softly, she opened her eyes and smiled "hey honey" she said quietly "you feeling okay, you're warm and really pale?" he asked worriedly "uh...yeah, just a sore head, what time is it?" she asked "9pm, how long have you been asleep for?" he asked gently "uh...about an hour or so" she lied, because there was no point in getting him worried over nothing, was there? "You wanna go to bed?" he asked "yeah, please" she said and they walked up to the bedroom.

While Jim set the TV up for a movie Melinda was in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. Thinking about whether or not she should tell Jim she wasn't feeling good. That she had collapsed several times. But she really didn t want to get him worried over what seemed like nothing. She thought maybe a ghost was to blame. They were such a big part of her life, it was easy to think that there was a ghost who was just not showing itself and hurting Melinda, because they were really good at that. She set her toothbrush down on the sink and sighed when a headache begun to creep up on her. But in a matter of seconds, it increased to an excruciating pain in her head. The room begun to spin wildly and she clung on to the bathroom sink with her dear life. She held onto her head, trying to ease the pain in some way. But it just got worse. In a desperate attempt for help she called with the last of her strength "Jim!" before the darkness came, and she fell to the floor.

Jim was just pulling the covers back to climb into the bed and snuggle with Melinda, when he heard her weak call, followed by a dull thud in the bathroom. He ran into the bathroom as fast as he could and found Melinda unconscious on the floor. He fell to her side and checked her pulse, it was weak but there. "Melinda, wake up please" he said, shaking her lightly. He picked her up, her head fell back limply and she didn t move an inch. He carried her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed. Waiting for her, to come back to him. "Melinda, babe you gotta wake up please" he begged. After two minutes, she slowly opened her eyes and looked around "Melinda, are you okay, thank god you're awake" Jim said relieved "Jim...what h-happened?" she asked "you collapsed, but you're okay now, how do you feel?" he asked "fine, I m fine, I think I should get some sleep though" she lied "okay sweetie, I love you" he said, kissing her and placing the covers over her "I love you too" she said and fell asleep. But Jim couldn t help but worry, what if he had done the wrong thing, what if Melinda should be in the hospital.

He would find out the answer to that soon...

**A/N Please review xx**


	2. good news

**Disclaimer: I do not own Ghost Whisperer or any of its characters. I also dont own any books or songs featured in this fic. Although i mean, seriously how awesome would it be if i did? :]**

_You Would Not Believe Your Eyes  
If Ten Million Fireflies  
Light Up The World As I Fell Asleep  
Cause They Fill The Open Air  
And Leave Teardrops Everywhere  
You'd Think me Rude  
But I Wouuld Just Stand And stare  
I'd Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly  
It's Hard To Say That I'd Rather Stay Awake When I'm Asleep  
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems_

Cause I'd Get A Thousand Hugs  
From Ten Thousand Lightning Bugs  
As They Tried To Teach Me How To Dance  
A Foxtrot Above My head  
A Sockhop Beneath My Bed  
A Disco Ball Is Just hanging By A thread  
I'd Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly  
It's Hard To Say That I'd Rather Stay Awake When I'm Asleep  
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems

_  
When I Fall Asleep  
Leave My Door Open Just A crack  
Please Take Me Away From Here  
Cause I Feel Like Such An Insomniac  
Please Take Me Away From Here  
Why Do I Tire Of Counting Sheep  
Please Take Me Away From Here  
When I'm far Too Tired To Fall Asleep  
To Ten Million Fireflies  
I'm Weird Cause I Hate Goodbyes  
I Got Misty Eyes As They Said Farewell  
But I'll Know Where Several Are  
If My Dreams Get Real Bizzare  
Cause I Saved A Few And I Keep Them In A Jar  
I'd Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly  
It's Hard To Say That I'd Rather Stay Awake When I'm Asleep  
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems  
When I Fall Asleep  
I'd Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly  
It's Hard To Say That I'd Rather Stay Awake When I'm Asleep  
Cause Everything Is Never As It Seems  
When I Fall Asleep  
I'd Like To make Myself Believe That Planet earth Turns Slowly  
It's Hard To Say I'd Rather Stay Awake When I'm Asleep  
Because My Dreams Are Bursting At The Seams_

It was two days later, and although Melinda didn't feel better, she had decided it was time to get back to work. She had woken up early and got dressed in an Electric blue dress and knee high black boots. She let her hair fall freely in loose, natural curls, framing her face. She applied some smokey eye shadow and liner: some foundation and blush and smiled. She arrived at work at 10am, knowing that Delia had offered to open up. The sun was shining brightly over the town square, people sat on the benches in the square and children played by the monument. It was days like this Melinda had realised just how amazing her life was at the moment. With the ring of the bell Melinda walked happily into the store, smiling at Delia, who was currently serving a customer. "Hey Mel, feeling better I see?" she said "yeah, much better thanks" Melinda replied happily. "We got some deliveries in, if you want you can sort them out" Delia suggested "yeah, are they in the basement?" Melinda asked "yup" Delia replied, and with that, Melinda trotted down to the basement.

After 3 hours in the basement, an unwanted feeling of lethargy swept over Melinda, and her head began to ache. She sat down at the desk and laid her head on her arms, closing her eyes and falling asleep in an instant.

Delia had been on her feet constantly serving customers all morning, the shop was so packed. At 1pm she realised she hadn t heard anything from Melinda the whole time she had been there, but she thought she was busy, so she continued to serve. At 1:30 she decided it was time to go for lunch. So she headed down to the basement to invite Melinda for lunch. Only to find her fast asleep, with her head in her arms. She walked over to her and shook her shoulders lightly "Melinda, wake up" she said and Melinda stirred lightly and sat up. "Oh...s-sorry i ju-" "Melinda, maybe you should go home, you're exhausted" delia suggested "yeah, yeah i think i might, i'm so sorry for this Delia" Melinda said "melinda, it's okay, you shouldn't have come back today, take as long as you need" Delia said as Melinda stood up and went up to the store. "See you later Delia" Melinda said walking out the store "bye Hun" Delia said, and watched Melinda depart with a worried look etched across her face.

Melinda arrived home and went straight up to the bedroom. Putting on pyjamas and taking off her makeup. She sat on the bed and sighed, rubbing at her head when the headache begun to creep up again. She lay back in the bed and closed her eyes, but the headache was stopping her from falling asleep, it was increasing by the second. She heard the front door open and shut and Jim call her name, then he came up the stairs, she saw him momentarily, before everything went blank.

Jim had got a call from Delia, saying that Melinda had been sent home and she was worried about her, so he excused himself from work early and got home to care for his wife. He got in and her bag was sitting by the front door "Melinda" he called, but he got no answer so he went up the stairs and went into the bedroom. Melinda was sitting up in the bed. Looking at him, her face was pale and the sunlight was reflecting on her damp sweaty skin. She was shaking and breathing heavily "Melinda?" he said, running over to her, she stood up and looked at him "Melinda, are you okay?" he asked, but she couldn t respond "babe?" he asked, but it was like she wasn't really there, and without warning she fell to the floor, he caught her and went down with her, laying her on her back and stroking her head softly "Melinda! Babe, please p-please wake up" he said, trying not to panic, but it was simply impossible. Then, her body begun to shake uncontrollably, her eyes rolled in the lids. "MELINDA!" he shouted, rolling onto her side, so that she didn t choke. He grabbed his cell and dialled 911 rattling off some information to the woman at the other end. When he was done he noticed that Melinda had stopped shaking, but she was still out of it. He soon heard the approaching sound of sirens and sighed in relief when he heard the banging at the door. He collected Melinda in his arms and carried her down to the paramedics, laying her on the stretcher and telling the medics what had happened. Before he knew it, they were speeding to the hospital.

***

Jim paced the hospital corridor while a worried Delia ran down the Corridor, followed by a frantic Eli. "What happened? Where is she?" Delia asked worriedly "oh god, what happened?" Eli asked when he had caught up "I don t know where she is, she collapsed and had some kind or seizure, they are running tests and stuff, I really don t know what s wrong" Jim said, with tears running down his cheeks all the while.

A torturous hour later, the doctor finally came out and smiled to Jim "she is okay, she had severely low blood pressure, and we have some good news, but we have to speak to you and you're wife together, so if you could follow me this way please Mr Clancy" The young Doctor said. He followed her into Melinda's room. Melinda looked a lot better, her normal colour had gotten back to her cheeks and she had a smile on her face. Jim took a seat next to Melinda and took her hand "okay, I m Dr Cullen, and I have some really good news for you guys" she said to them with a smile on her face "Melinda, you are 4 weeks pregnant" she said "p-pregnant?" Melinda said in disbelief and shock "yeah" the doctor said to her "oh my god, Jim we're going to be parents" Melinda said happily with a large smile painted across her face and tears streaming down her cheeks. "You re baby is perfectly healthy and all I can ask is for you to take it all easy for a week" the doctor said "sure, when can I go home?" Melinda asked "tonight" she said and handed her the release forms. Dr Cullen left the room and let the couple rejoice in their news.

That Night when Melinda and Jim arrived home, Melinda went up to the bedroom and sat on the bed. The bright moonlight shone into the room and onto the bed. Jim walked in and saw Melinda rubbing her belly and speaking gently "I doubt you can hear me baby, but I want to promise you something, you are going to be the most special child in the world and your mommy and daddy are going to love you so much, and you are going to have the best life we can provide you with, but I want to tell you something and I will tell you this everyday till the day that you are born, Mommy has a gift and I don t know yet if you are going to have it too, but mommy can speak to ghosts, and sometimes when you are growing up, you are going to feel sad or scared and people might make you feel different, but I want you to know that what you have, it's a gift, you will be thought how to help people and you will have a mommy who can love you every day and help you through the tough times, and you will have a daddy that will take all of your fears away, like he does with me, he will be there for you and love you so much, because you're daddy" Melinda said before wiping away a tear on her cheek "you're daddy has the best gift of them all, he can help you through anything, and he can love so much that you will wonder if there is ever this much love in the world, just remember baby, that you are so, so special and although I can t see you yet, you are beautiful, I love you" Melinda said.

Jim wiped away the tear that had fell down his cheek and walked into the bedroom, he wrapped his arms around Melinda and placed his hand on her belly and said "and if you ever have any doubts about your gift, just look at what Mommy does every single day" Jim said. Melinda turned around and kissed him softly then looked into his blue enchanting eyes "I love you Jim, daddy" she said smiling "I love you Melinda, mommy Melinda" he said and kissed her deeply, pushing her back into the bed and laying beside her. "I doubt anything can ever get in the way of how happy I feel right now" Melinda said to Jim "me either babe" he said.

That night they fell asleep, with smiles planted on their faces.

**_A/N: ha! anyone who read you can beat this, bet ya didn't see that one coming! another unexpected twist from Evil Reagan lol :L The story is still basically the same, just with one major sad difference. anyway, the Reagan rules apply as per usual, 3 reviews is a new chapter and you know it! ha! luv yall Reagan_**

**_P.s hey everyone its Louise here, Reagans best friend. Reagans laptop still isn t working so I was thinking you could cheer her up by leaving loads of reviews. This would cheer her up loads and you would get a new chappy quicker lol x_**


	3. meeting the angel

**ahh! sorry it's been so long. i really am! lol. I've been SO busy! OMG i saw paramore live! It was SOOOOO great! anyway, back to the story. **

It had been a full week since Melinda had found out she was pregnant. She thought that by now she would be feeling much better, but it seemed like she was actually getting worse. She hadn't said anything to Jim, because she thought it was just morning sickness. So she had decided that it was about time that she went back to work. Gathering her things together and left the house. The weather outside was grim, heavy rain bounced off the ground and thunder grumbled in the sky. She had decided to wear her long red coat, a white hat and scarf and jeans with a lacy vintage top.

With a ring of a bell, she walked tiredly through the store doors and smiled at Delia, who sighed, noticing Melinda's weakness straight away "you're not feeling better" she stated "no, i'm fine" Melinda lied, putting on a fake smile. "Me-" "please, i swear i'm okay" she said, glancing at her. Delia brushed it off and decided it wasn't the time to argue. "so, had any morning sickness?" Delia asked "yeah" melinda sighed "so, is there anything needing done?" "uh...yeah, um there is some new boxes in the back, someone dropped them in erlier and they looked really worth selling" she said "uh...okay, i'm right on it" Melinda said walking into the back room. She picked up the heavy box and sat it on the table, one by one placing them oon the table before her "so" Melinda shouted back to delia "who was the person who dropped these in?" Melinda asked and Delia came walking in to the room and sat down at the desk, marking things off on a bit of paper "she was about your age and just got over a really hard time in her life, she was suffering from breast cancer for about 2 years, but she decided that after she was in the clear, she wanted to start again...anyway, she moved to a new house and found all this cool stuff in the loft, so she brought it in, lovely woman she was" Delia said "oh god, imagine having to go through something like that, it would be so hard, and at such a young age" Melinda said. "yeah. but she got over it...just goes to show that you came get over things like that" Delia said "yeah" "anyway, you wanna grab a bite to eat after you finish down here?" Delia asked "sure" Melinda said, getting straight back to work.

Delia had decided at 1pm it was time to go for lunch, she could hear her stomach growling for food. "Melinda" she called down to the basement "lets go it's 1pm" but she recieved no answer. She walked over to the door to the back and shouted a little louder "Melinda" she shouted again, but still she was met with sheer silence. _strange_ she thought to herself as she walked to the basement, then something cought her eye and her heart started to beat so fast, she could hear it. Melinda was laying on the floor, her face was pale and the light was reflecting off of the sweat covering her face. Glass was shattered all around her from a vase she had dropped. "shit! Mel!" she said, practically falling to her knees at Melinda's side "Melinda! can you hear me?" she asked frantically, but melinda was really somwhere else.

_**Surrounded by a perfect field, with vibrant green grass and bright yellow dafodils, dasies and tulips. Melinda smiled and walked towards a double swing that stood in the midst of the perfect site. The sun was warm and bright, covering every inch of the field she could see. She sat down at the swing and noticed that she was no longer a woman, she was a young girl, around 13. She was wearing a white dress with a light blue ribbon, tied into a bow at the back, white socks with frills and white shoes. Her hair was tied back with a light blue ribbon and a white hairband. Swinging back and forth soothingly, she begun to sing a soothing song "somewhere over the rainbow" she sung, her voice was sweet and low. Then, it was joined with another voice, singing an octave higher in a perfect c major pitch. She turned arounf and realised she was no longer swining alone. She was faced with a girl around 16, she had bright copper orange hair and it was cut with choppy layers and a fringe that framed her heart shaped face perfectly. She was wearing a white T-shirt with the words "riot!" on it across the front. Paired with a pair of dark blue skinneys and black converse "w-who are you?" Melinda asked the girl "i'm gracie, i've been sent here to help you" she said in a sweet voice "what do you mean?" Melinda asked "something bad is going to happen, but just remember what i say, I am your help, sent from the good spirits and I can help you, but only to a certain extent" she said "what?" Melinda asked "I am your gaurdian angel, i have to tell you only a certain amount of what i know, so all i can say is that danger is coming, and you have to stay strong, for the sake of Jim, and your baby" she said "b-bu...what...what will happen?" she asked "just stay strong" she said, and with that everything went black. **_

Melinda opened her eyes and sat up slowly, wincing at the pain in her head "thank god! Melinda!" Delia said with a slight relief in her voice "d-delia, i gotta go" Melinda said before standing up and swaying for a moment then, left the shop: leaving Delia to wonder what the hell had just happened.

"Hello" said the receptionist at the local doctors "hello, i was wondering if there is any free appointments for this afternoon?" Melinda asked the woman, because she wanted to know if her baby was okay "yes, there actuallly is, 3pm, can you take it?" she asked "yes, sure, it's Melinda Gordon" she said in a rush "sure, you will be seeing Dr Cullen" she said "okay, thanks, bye" "bye". Melinda left and went to the doctors straight away. Sitting at the waiting room and looking around her at the people who were waiting. People with baby's, pregnant woman, people who looked so ill it was scary, and there was one woman, she was very skinny and pale, a bandana was wrapped around her head and she held a tissue in one hand, the one she had been wiping her tears away for the duration she had been waiting, in the other had, her boyfriend or husbands fingers were laced in hers. "gordon?" she heard and her focus left the womans and looked towars the doctor holding a clipboard in her hand "right this way" she said, ushering her towards a small cramped room. Melinda took a seat across from her desk and looked at her worredly. "so, what is the problem today Melinda?" she asked "well, i seem to be feeling really under the weather, i know you said i was to have a weeks bedrest, but shouldnt i feel better, not worse?" Melinda said. Doctor cullen looked concerned "okay, well we will take some bloods then do a scan, how does that sound?" she asked "bloods?" Melinda asked confusedly "yeah, just as a precaution" she said, pulling out a fresh needle and preparing it "are you okay with needles?" she asked "yeah fine, dont bother me at all" Melinda said and didnt even flinch when the needle pearced her skin "couple of seconds and it will be done okay" "sure" she said and smiled when she took out the needle and replaced it with a small cotton bud. "okay, come over to this bed to do the scan" she said and Melinda lay down on the bed. She rubbed the cold gel on her belly. Melinda flinched at the temperature. "so, do you guys want to know the sex?" she asked "nah, saving it for a surprise" she said "okay, well here is your baby and it is perfectly fine" Melinda looked at the screeen ans smiled when she saw the tiny image appear on the screen "thats good" Melinda sighed with releif "okay, well i will call you when we get the results in and see what we can do for you" she said "okay" Melinda said and left.

**2 days Later.**

Melinda still had not told Jim about the doctors appointment becasue she didn't want to worry him. She was in the shop ant sitting at the desk going through papers when her cell rang "hello" she said "hello, Melinda this is Dr Cullen, is there any way you can come down right now?" she asked "uh...um...yeah, is-is everything okay?" she asked "we will descuss your results when you get here" she said and melinda hung up the phone and left the shop shouting to Delia that she'd be back.

Sitting in the waiting room, thoughts flew through melindas mind and she shook her knees nervously. Dr Cullen came out and led he into the room, where two men sat near the desk. "okay, take a seat Melinda" she said "o-okay" she said, sitting down nervously "okay, first of all, Melina these guys are just here to watch dont worry This is doctor Docherty" she said, pointing towards the younger one "and this is Doctor Hewitt" she said pointing towards an older man in a shirt and tie "okay, so i have to talk about your results with you please sit down" the doctor said pointing at the seat. Melinda took a seat and waited for the news that she had assumed was about her baby, nothing like what it actually was. "okay, Melinda we found some abnormalities in your blood, and we had done an x-ray to check and see what these pointed towards, in your x-ray, we found some mass on the temporal lobe of your brain" she said "mass?" Melinda said quietly, but she knew what it meant "Melinda, i am really sorry, but we have descovered that you have something called Oligodendroglioma, which is a type of brain tumor, found on the temporal lobe" she said sadly. Words cannot describe what it feels like to be told something like that, your breathe is lost, your brain is a mess, everything around you dissapears and the first word that comes to your mind is death. You asssume that there is no way that you can get through this. Melinda looked at the doctor confusedly, with a tear running down her cheek "hey, you can get through it, there is a whole treatment plan and we will have to get you back tomorrow I will phone with an appointment time tonight and we will descuss it with an expert at a cardiology unit, you can beat it" she said "uh...c-can i go?" Melinda asked "yes, and Melinda" "what?" "dont worry" she said and Melinda ran out the room.

She ran to the bathroom and locked to door, then threw up in the toilet, it was just to much to take in. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she slid to the floor. She thought of the doctors words _dont worry_, and laughed _yeah, its that easy, i mean if i dont worry it will get rid of cancer, no, its not, ofcourse im going to worry_. She thought angrily. After she was done, she left and sat in her car. Then realised that it was only going to get worse, she pulled out her cell "hello" Jim said "are you home?" Melinda asked "have you been crying?" he asked "no, course not, ill be home soon" she said "well, im in the house now so you dont have to rush" he said "okay i love you" Melinda said "you too babe" he said and she hung up. _I cant tell him, it will break him, ill just hide it and wait for the right time. _Melinda thought and sped home to see Jim, who she was not going to tell. Maybe.

**A/N: how was that? Well tell me and click the review button! : ) Thanks for reading and i will update asap! ****J**** 3 reviews is a new chapter...**

**Reaganxxx **


	4. why didnt you tell me?

**A/N: before I start I have something to say. I was really upset that the emails couldn't go out to say that my storeys were updated, because FF is acting up, and I thought I wouldn't get any reviews, and that annoys me! Anyway, to my surprise I did get reviews, boy, did I get reviews! I want to say thanks to Louise for being determined to be the first reviewer! And I LOVED the review!! And Van, for sticking through YCBT and Fearless, and reviewing every chap **** thanks, but now I want to say thanks to someone else. ****Anonymous****, your review, wow. So my friend was reviewing and I hadn't saw it, then she came on msn like REAGAN you HAVE to check ur reviews, so I did, I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, but your review was really really amazing, and its reviews like that that persuade me to continue with me stories, and that make me think more about the career path I am on, because a dream for me is to become an author, and to know that someone thinks my stories are mature and really good, makes me want to be one even more, that review made me so happy, and made my friend super jealous. Loll. And about Caledonia, possibly when I am finished all the stories I'm doing now, I will re-write it, I just thought because it wasn't super dramatic, ment that no one would read it, but very clearly someone was. Again, thank you SO MUCH for the review, it really really does mean a lot to me. Xreaganxx**

_Ignorance is bliss  
You'd always hear me say  
But at times you can't deny  
Those eyes looking your way_

Let me begin by saying what I mean  
It's a crime against the heart you know  
To be somewhere in between

Well don't be shy  
I've got an open heart and hand  
And I just might have to confess just where I stand

Lately you make me weaker in the knees  
And race through my veins baby every time you're close to me  
Take me away to places I ain't seen  
They say you've got a hold on me:  
And I won't disagree

Melinda walked into her house. She was hit by an aroma of lasagne and vanilla scented candles. The room was dimly lit with the fireplace giving off a soft illuminating orange glow. The CD player was playing the song _If the lights go out_ quietly and the table was set with two candles lit in the middle. "Jim" Melinda called quietly "in here" he shouted, she followed his voice into the Kitchen, where he was putting large squares of lasagne onto plates "hey, what happened to you today, I phoned the store and Delia was acting funny, she said you ran out somewhere" he said as he placed the plates on the table "uh...ghost buisiness" she lied. "okay, everything okay now" he asked "uh....yeh" she said "lets eat" "okay" Melinda said and sat at the table with Jim. "so, how was your day" he asked, Melinda looked away and looked back "uh...good" she said "what about you?" she asked "I had a good day too, pretty busy, a bus crash over on main st. It was really-" He looked at Melinda who had a tear running down her cheek "babe, what's wrong?" he asked "nothing, I'm not hungry" she said "why are you crying?" he asked "you know, emotions are running wild" "you sure that's it?" he asked "yeah, I'm not feeling so good, I'm going to go lie down" Melinda said "okay, shout if you need anything" he said and she stood up to leave and gave him a kiss on the head.

It was about an hour later; Jim was clearing up and making a cup of tea for Melinda. The phone begun to ring and he picked it up quickly, so that it didn't wake Melinda up. "hello, I'm looking for Mrs Melinda Gordon, is she there?" "no, she's not feeling good, so she is having a rest, is it important?" he asked "yeah, it is, Its Dr Cullen can you give her the message?" she asked "sure, go on" he said, wondering why the doctor was calling "she has to come in tomorrow for an appointment with a cardiology specialist, and she has to have a scan, so let her know she will be in for at least an hour, Mr Clancy, do you understand everything about the illness?" she asked, Jim had a knot in his stomach, illness, what illness. He was completely confused "n-no can you just talk me over it quickly" he said, hoping she would tell him exactly what was wrong "The type of tumour that Melinda has is uncommon, it is called Oligodendroglioma, which is a type of brain tumour, found on the temporal lobe" she said "a tumour" he said in shock "yes, didn't you know?" she asked "uh...yeah I did, um what time is her appointment?" he asked "11am" she said "okay, bye" Jim said "bye" she said and hung up.

Jim fell to the couch in shock. _Why hadn't she told him?_ Tears fell down his cheek and he picked up a picture of Him and Melinda. Jim couldn't imagine life without Melinda, it would be boring, and there would be no love, no joy. Then, he realised he had to think positive. And he had to confront Melinda. So after crying for 10 minutes, he went up to their bedroom, where he found Melinda sitting up on the bed with her knees up to her chest and her face covered by her arms, though Jim could still hear her sobbing.

He took a seat at the edge of the bed and Melinda looked at him "why did you tell me?" he asked through his own tears "h-ho-" "the doctor called" he said "I'm s-so sorry, Jim I'm scared and I don't know what I was thinking, please don't be mad" she cried, Jim took her hand and looked into her eyes "I'm not mad, not one bit, baby, I love you so much, I just don't understand why you didn't tell me" he said with tears falling down his face "because, I didn't want you to treat me different" "I won't, I will do anything, for you to let me in, I love you, and I want to help you through this, no, I WILL help you through this" he said "I love you too, never, ever, leave me" she said "I promise, I will _never_ leave you" She kissed Him and they lay back on the bed, facing the ceiling. "what about the baby, will it be okay?" Melinda asked worriedly "don't worry babe, just relax, you need to relax" he said. She did what he said, and they fell into a deep sleep.

_Rock-a-bye my baby  
Don't be blue tonight  
Oh I'm on my way  
And I'm gonna make it right_

Cause I've got the feeling  
You'll be needing love  
And of all the lonely hearts  
You're the one I'm thinking of ...

Melinda had a dream.

She was walking along a path, it didn't seem to lead anywhere. She was wearing a long white dress and it was snowing, flakes fell on her hair and landed on the ground. So suddenly it was a blizzard, she couldn't see through the howling wind and large white flakes, but then she saw something, someone was standing there holding his hands out and she realised that it was Jim, he was there to guide her through the blizzard, like he was there to guide her through this, an obstacle that she hoped she could overcome.

_Whatcha doing today, what are you doing later?  
I don't know my way through a maze of gray skyscrapers  
But I'm willing to learn_

If you want me to I'll stay just where I am  
But I promise just to follow when I land  
And you can take my word for that

You are my Manhattan from the sky  
You look so neat and tidy when I'm way up high,  
But I know your streets are lined with a fine mess inside  
And I wanna come down and walk around your mind.

**A/N: I know that it was short, but everything will come soon. I hope that i got enough Jimel loe in there! **** x pleeeeeease reviewwww xxxxxxxxreaganxxxxxxx**


	5. i will protect you

_so the story goes on down  
the less traveled road  
Its a variation on  
the one I was told  
and although its not the same  
its awful close, yeah_

in an ordinary fairy tale land  
theres a promise of a perfect happy end  
and I imagine having just short of that  
is better than nothing

_so youll be mine  
forever and almost always  
and Ill be fine  
just love me when you can  
and Ill wait patiently  
Ill wake up every day  
just hoping that you still care_

Melinda woke up after the dream, wrapped in Jims arms. She didnt feel like she could get back to sleep, outside, thunder was grumbling and rain was pouring heavily, hitting hard agains the window. A strange similarity to what melinda was feeling right now. She stood up from the bed and sat at the window, looking out at the dull storm. _this is only going to get worse, and not only for me, but for Jim too. _She thought _why, why did this have to happen_. She looked at Jim and a tear rolled down her cheek, because she also had hope that with Jim by her side, she would get through this.

She was still sitting there when the sun rose, and the clouds from the storm disappeared, and when Jim woke up. He gave her a kiss and went down to the kitchen to make breakfast. They hadn't said a word to one another the whole morning. Jim was lost in his own thoughts, trying to figure out a way to stay brave for Melinda, because he couldnt exactly tell her to be strong and that everything was okay, if he wasnt sure of it himself. Though, to be completely honest, he knew melinda was brave and he knew aswell that she could actually get through this.

They arrived at the doctors office just in time to be called in a by a woman in her mid-30's. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes, she was really tall and skinney, wearing a black top and a grey pencil skirt, she was wearing a badge saying _LaurenPalmer: Head Cardiologist. _Jim and Melinda followed the doctor into the room and sat on the seats ready for them. Melinda took Jims hand and he squeezed her hand tightly and reassuringly. "hello mrs Gordon, my name is Dr. Palmer, im here to help you, i will give you all the information that you need about the treatment, and i will be here throughout the treatment" she said kindly "okay" Melinda said shakily "okay, well, we will start next week with a 6 week course of chemotherapy" she said "there will be a letter that i will give you today, and it will have everything you need to know about chemotherapy on it, just to save some time today, is that okay" she asked "ye" Melinda said quietly, Jim looked at her, her face held a blank expression on it, it really worried him, because he knew she was scared. The doctor just kept on talking them through everything, but to melinda, nothing was making sence, it was like she was talking in a different language.

Both Jim and Doctor Palmer noticed that Melinda was distant, not really present. And both knew exactly why. So Dr. Palmer took a seat next to Melinda and placed her hand on melinda's lap, making Melinda look up at her.

"Melinda i dont have the slightest clue what this feels like, but there is one thing i do know and that is the fact that i have helped many people in you're condition and they have won the battle, they were strong and fought it. It might have been a hard battle but in the end, they were so happy when they were told that their cancer had gone. I know you are brave and strong and you can fight this, you just have to believe in yourself"

Melinda smiled and nodded, what Dr. Palmer had said brought tears to her eyes, because unlike a lot of doctors, she seemed like she cared, and she knew that piling information on melinda wasnt the best thing to do "thank you, so much" Melinda said when they were done "what you said, it was so reassuring" Melinda said "its no problem, it was just the truth" She replied and waved goodbye as the couple left arm in arm.

They went home and Melinda went straight to bed, Jim followed up soon. He found Melinda laying in the bed, just staring up at the ceiling "hey, you okay?" he asked "not really" she admitted "talk to me" he said and took a seat next to her "Jim, im scared, Im scared that everything changes, even though i know it will. I dont know what to do now, i feel like i should be making the most of my life, i feel like i have wasted every moment in my life without thinking about it, and i hate the fact that soon, you will be left to care for me, because i will be ill, and everything will be ruined" Melinda said "hey, i dont care how much i have to look after you, remember _In sickness and in health_ That means that i will help you through every last moment of this, I will hold your hand everytime you need it, i would rather have nothing else in my life if i could just have you FOREVER, and i will have you forever, because you aint going anywhere babe, i swear, i will pay millions and millions to help you, this wont kill you, because you are strong babe, you are really really strong, and you have faith and lonve to help you through" Jim said.

"but what if i dont" Melinda said "you will babe, you will" Jim said. "Jim, i dont want anyone to know, not even my mother" Melinda said "why?" Jim asked "you have-" "they will treat me different, and i am not saying i dont ever want them to know, just...for now, i want to be _normal" _Melinda said "even if that means i only have you to help me, because i love you so much, god, i really do Jim" she said "i love you too babe, we are in this together" he said. That night they fell asleep with a strong sence of hope in the air.

**A/N: i'll update ASAP xxxx please reviewxx **


	6. coming clean

**A/N: thnks for the reviews :) **

Melinda Walked into the store happily. The chemo had started, and so far, she was feeling great. She wanted to make the most of the time she had at work, before she was going to start getting sick. "hey mel!" Delia said as Melinda walked over to the desk "hi Delia, i brough coffee" Melinda said and handed her over a cup "so, how was the doctors appointment?" Delia asked, she thought that Melinda was going to get a scan for the baby. "went good" Melinda said. And walked over to the door, looking out the window.

Everything outside was brightened by the golden sun that shone over the town square, children were laughing and playing and families were walking their dogs. "its such a nice day" Delia said, Melinda smply nodded.

everytime she saw something really beautiful, it made her think of how much she would miss it if she didnt get through this, it reminded her even more that she had to fight. After decreetly wiping away a tear, Melinda walked over to the desk, in time to hear the bell go as someone walked inside.

It was a young girl, around the age of 16, holding a box in her hand. She looked as it she had been crying. She had long brown curly hair and blue eyes. "hey, uh...Is it okay if i give you this box, like it has some stuff you could sell in it" she said "sure" Delia said, looking in the box "wow, this is awesome stuff, sure you wanna give it away" she asked, the girl looked as if she were about to cry.

"yes, they belonged to my mother, and Its too hard to look at them, she died last week, of cancer" she said. Melinda got a knot in her stomach. and looked fearfully at the girl "oh, im so sorry, that must have been so hard" Delia said "yeah...yeah it really was, i guess she just didnt have the stregnth to fight it, but she is somewhere good now, i can feel it" the girl said "yes, thats true" Delia said. Melinda ran out of the room and into the bathroom, where she begun to cry, falling to the floor_ what if i can't fight it_. she thought to herself. _ThenI will upset everyone, dissapoint everyone._

Delia didnt know why Melinda had ran out so quickly, do she ran after her, hoping to get some answers. She was about to knock on the door, when she heard Melinda crying, she decided that maybe It wasnt the right time to intrude, so she left it. still wondering what was wrong.

Melinda washed her face with some cold water, and went back to the front of the store. "you okay?" Delia asked "yeah, sure" Melinda said quietly and started to look through some boxes of things at the opposite end of the store.

A sudden wave of dizziness flew through Melinda and she staggered over to her bag, hoping that Delia wouldnt notice. Though, she did, she saw that Melinda looked pale. Melinda managed to get a box of tablets she had been given to help with the dizziness, she got them in her hands and before she could take a pill she fell to the floor.

Delias face swam before her, and she knew that she could no longer keep her secret, then, everything went black.

"mel" she could hear someones voice, but it seemed miles away "Melinda, babe, wake up". She managed to open her eyes slightly, ashe could see Jim and Delia kneeling next to her. "can you hear me?" Jim said, Melinda became more aware of her surroundings "Jim" she said quietly "my tablets" she whispered. Jim noticed her tablets in hand. He helped Melinda sit up and she leaned against the wall for support "delia, can you get some water please" Jim said as he opened the tub and took out two. Delia came out with water and MElinda took the pills.

"you're going to be okay" Jim said as Melinda took deep breaths. Delia was wondering why Melinda had to take them tablets, and why Jim was acting so calm about it. "uh...are you okay melinda" Delia said. Jim didnt think before he spoke, and came out with something Melinda definetly didnt want him to say "chemo is just taking its toll babe, you should have taken the day off, took it easy" he said.

Suddenly Delia looked really confused, worried. "c-chemo?" she said "_shit" _ Jim said, more to himself, remembering that Delia didnt know "Delia, i have to tell you something" Melinda said as she begun to feel a little better. Tears begun to form in Delias eyes as she figured it out. "im sorry i didnt tell you Delia, but I found out that i have a brain tumour" Melinda said "w-what" Delia cried "I just started chemotherapy, and I didnt want to tell you, because i didnt want you to look at me differently, sick, you know" Melinda cried "hey, honey, i wont treat you differently, i promise, i love you, and i am here if you need m-me" "im s-so sorry" Melinda cried, and hugged Delia.

Somehow, even though Melinda had said that she wanted to keep this from Delia, getting it off her chest, it made her feel that bit better, relieve. She didnt have to lie. But now that Delia knew, so did everyone else, though she didnt have the heart to do it herself. And Jim, being Melindas knight in shining armour, had come to the rescue. He had told Eli, Faith, and other friends about Melindas illness. The only one that Melinda decided to tell herself was her mother.

Beth came round the next day, unaware to anything that was going on in her daughters life right now. "hey Jim, wheres Melinda?" Beth asked as Jim let her in "up in bed, she will be down in a jiff" Jim said "is everything okay?" she asked "I think Melinda wants to descuss something with you" he said and led her into the living room, where she took a seat on the couch "tea?" he asked "coffee please, black, no sugars" she said "okay then" he said and went to the kitchen.

Melinda came into the livingroom, still wearing her pyjamas, she was pale and her hair was pulled back messily. "oh, dear you look ill" Beth said "Mom, I have to speak to you" Melinda said and took a seat next to her. "whats going on?" Beth asked "mom, i have been unwell for a while now and I wasnt going to tell anyone, but that wasnt the right decision to make, because that affects the people that i love. Last week, i found out that I have a brain tumour" Melinda said. Beth didnt know what to say, but evey bad thing she had done to her daughter, all the bad things she had said, all the years of denying Melinda's gift. all that was running through her mind, now she knew she had to be there for her daughter, no matter what "honey, why didnt you tell me sooner?" Beth asked shakily.

Melinda looked at her mother appoligetically "im sorry, but i didnt want you to be worried" she said "darling, thats no reason to hide it, you need your family here for you, okay sweety" she said through the choking tears "im s-sorry" Melinda cried "i ove you, and you have to call me with updates and if you need anything" beth insisted "okay mom...i promise" she said. And mother and daughter let each other cry in one anothers arms, for the first time in years.

After Beth had Left, Melinda was pretty exhausted. She was laying on the couch with a blacket watching the Tv, when Jim sat down with her. "hey, how you feeling?" he asked "not so good" she admitted. There was no point in denying how she felt, there really wasnt. "whats wrong?" he asked "i just feel run down" Melinda said. "need anything?" he asked "no, im fine...just, you" she said "i just need, you" she said and he lay down with her.

"I lied" Melinda said, after a while of silence "wha-" "i said that the reason i hadn't told them was because I didnt want to worry them, that i didnt want them to treat me differently" she said quietly "but i lied, thats not why" she admitted "why then?" Jim asked "It made it feel more real. like if no one knew, i could pretend that it was a dream, that it wasnt happening" Melinda said "Jim im scared" Melinda said, starting to cry again.

"i know, babe i know you are, but you have to try and be brave" he said "bu-" "you're gonna say that that wont solve anything, but Melinda, it will. Because if you aren't brave, you will give up on everything, and if you are brave you will fight, and i know you melinda, you are a fighter" he said "you do" Melinda said "do what?" "take all my fears away, make me feel safe, like i can do this" she said "babe, i love you" he said "i love you too Jim, so so so much, i couldnt do this if i didn't have you by my side, i really couldnt" Melinda said.

Jim kissed MElinda soflty and it made her feel more protected than ever. Every moment that she spent with Jim, gave her that little bit more faith in fighting this.

_So this is how it goes  
Well I, I would have never known  
And if it ends today  
Well I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone  
Now I think we're taking this too far  
Don't you know that it's not this hard?  
Well it's not this hard  
But if you take what's yours and I take mine  
Must we go there?  
Please not this time. No, not this time.  
Well this is not your fault  
But if I'm without you  
Then I will feel so small  
And if you have to go  
Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does._

**A/N: Please review! :) x luve yall xx **


	7. and so the pain begins

**A/N: thanks for the reviews! x **

**Btw, i ctually just realised how upset i am that i finished FWY :( sucks. **

Melinda was now getting hit hard with side effects of the chemo, Jim was beside himself with worry. She barely even had enough energy to sit up in the bed.

Melinda was laying in bed, sleeping. Jim was in the kitchen on the phone to Doctor Palmer "i dont know what to do, she cant even sitt up herself, she is asleep all the time and her feaver is getting worse" Jim said "well, if she gets the slightest bit worse, i want you to call me and i will bring over a higher dosage of painkillers and anti nausea tablets" She said "okay, well i will keep a close eye on her and I will call straight away if anything changes" Jim said "another thing, has she been eating?" Dr Palmer asked "well, yeah, but only a little, and even then, she cant keep it up" Jim said "okay, well i want you to try and get her to eat something today" she said "okay" Jim said "okay, bye Jim" she said "okay, thanks doc" he said and hung up.

He sighed and stood up, then made his way to the fridge. After a long decision on what to make, as some foods were too strong too keep up for Melinda, he decided on chicken soup. He placed it on a tray with Melinda's Medication and a glass of water and took it up to her.

He hated that he had to wake her up, as she was sound asleep, but he needed to give her meds and she had to eat. "mel, babe, wake up" he said and shook her shoulder her eyes slowly opened and she groaned. "hey you gotta get medication now baby" he said "Jim, Im going to be sick" she said, but she had no energy to jump up "okay" he said, he grabbed the bucket from the floor next to the bed and brought it up just in time for her to be sick into it. He rubbed her back softly while she choked and heaved.

"you okay?" he asked when she was finished. She was shivering and tears were rolling down her cheek "its okay melinda, you're okay" he said. He felt bad but he still wanted her to eat the soup, just try at least. "baby, you need to eat some soup" he said, she tried to sit up, but failed. So Jim sat her up supported by some cushions. He fed the soup to her and she managed to finish the whole bowl. He then gave her the water and her anti nausea tablets, so she wasn't sick after it.

After sitting with her for 10 minutes, she had fell asleep, so Jim went down to the kitchen to clean the dishes and make himself something to eat. He sat alone at the table eating his dinner with tears running down his cheek. He dropped the spoon in the bowl and let his emotions take over, laying his head in his arms and sobbing heart-wrenchingly. He was worried about his wife, and he was also inceribly lonely at the same time. He felt helpless when he saw her like this, there was really nothing he could do to make her feel better.

When his crying stopped and he was just left with a few huccups and sniffs, Jim looked at the time. 7pm, he had been crying for the last hour. He wiped at his face and put away his plate, while he was washing it there was a stain that wouldnt come off, he scrubbed and scrubbed at it, untill anger washed over him, with all the stregnth he had, he threw the plate across the room, hitting the wall and smashing to a hundred pieces. "why?" he asked himself "why her and not me?" he said quietly and made his way up to her room to check on her.

She was paler than she had been, her breathing seemed irregular. Jim's heart nearly stopped and he ran over to her side, he felt her burning forehead and took her hand. "baby, is everything okay?" he asked, though, she didnt answer, she groaned quietly. "squeeze my hand if you are in pain" he said, he felt weak hand twinge a little. "ill get you some medicine honey, okay" he said, she tightened her grip a little more, but still weakly "babe, whats wrong, do you not want me to get you medicine?" he asked, but she just didnt have the energy to reply "move your hand once for yes and twice for no" he said "do you want me to get you medicine?" he asked shakily as the panic esculated.

He felt her hand move once. "okay, Melinda im really worried, are you in a lot of pain?" he asked, she moved her hand once again. Yes. "okay, uh...im going to call the doc babe, you are really not well" he said, she didnt move her hand. He grabbed his cell and dialled, after about 3 rings she picked up.

"hello, this is Doctor Lauren Palmer, how can I help you" she said "uh...Dr Palmer, it is Jim...listen, i am really sorry to bother you b-but Melinda is really freaking me out, she is really unwell" he sad "okay, whats wrong with her?" she asked "uh...she has a really bad fever, she is extremely pale, shaking and sweating, and she can hardly move, she is in pain" he said "okay, well i'll be over there in about twenty minutes, okay" she said "ill leave the door unlocked so you can just run up" he said, hanging up.

He sat next to melinda and stroked her head lovingly. "youll be okay soon honey" he said, not only to her, but also to reassure himself.

Doctor palmer arrived as quickly as she said she would be, if not erlier. She sat her bag on the bed and sat next to melinda. She felt her forehead and sighed, pulling a thermometer out of the bag, fter reading the thermometer she gave a worried glance at Melinda "is e-everything okay?" Jim asked "uh...she has an extremely high temperature, 106.3 to be precise, Im a little bit worried" she said, this time she pulled out something to check her blood preassure, she placed the cuff around Melinda's upper arm and pressed a couple of buttons, the cuff inflated and tightened on melinda's arm, causing her to cry out in pain "sorry sweety, I just need to check if everything is okay" she said. When it was finished, she checked the reading "_shit_" she muttered, though it didnt go unnoticed by Jim "what?" he said "her blood preassure is extremely low, im just going to call for an ambulance" she said.

Jim looked beyond worried now, "an ambulance" he said shakily "yeah, she has a low BP and a high temp, she is we-" she was cut off when melinda begun to shake, she looked at her, her eyes were rolling back and her whole body was shaking "shit, stand back and give her some space" she said and got off the bed. "oh god, Melinda" Jim cried. She rolled Melinda onto her side and they stood waiting for the seizure to stop.

The paramedics arrived quickly and got Melinda, who had now clmed down to a small shiver, onto a gurney. They rushed her to the ER and jim sat in the ambulance with her, holding her hand. Tellng her everything was going to be okay.

**A/N: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE REVIEW!!! (:**


	8. who are you?

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!!! (: they make me so happy! =D xxx luvyallreaganx**

"_Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death". -Taylor swift. _

Jim was now pacing the hospital waiting room wondering what the hell was taking the doctors so long. He finally saw Doctor Palmer exit the room and walk towards him "is she okay?!" he asked quickly "Jim, she is okay, she has an incredibly high fever, but she will be fine, seizures are a common affect from Melinda's condition" she said "okay, can I see her?" he asked "sure, follow me, she is still extremely weak and at the moment she is asleep, under heavy medication" she said "okay, it's okay as long as she will get better" Jim said.

They got into Melinda's room and he gasped when he saw just how weak she looked. She was almost the same colour as the white sheets. She had various tubes and machines around her. Jim walked over to the chair next to her bed and took her hand "wake up soon baby" he said.

After an hour, doctor Palmer came into the room and took a seat next to Jim. "how you holdin' up?" she asked "me, I'm fine" he lied "hey, I see many family members of cancer patients come in here and they always say the same thing, that its not them who is going through it…but it is, Jim, I see how much you love her, I know that you are scared, and you don't have to hide it. I understand that the reason you are hiding it is because you don't want to scare Melinda, but trust me, you need people for you as well" she said "so, how are you really holding up?" she asked "uh…you know, I'm scared…because if anything happens to her, I will be so lost, today I was eating dinner alone and it just made me think about how everything has just…we spent so much leading up to this amazing life and it can all be gone in an instant, I mean, just a few weeks ago, we were telling people we are gonna be parents, and now we are planning chemo trips and medication times and at the same time, trying to be happy about the baby" he said "I've never had to see her this ill before, and I didn't realise just how ill she was going to get" he said, tears starting to fall. "hey, but think about how happy you will be the day that you are told Melinda doesn't have it anymore, think about how happy you will be when that baby is born, and you and Melinda and that baby will have everything to look foreword to" she said "yeah, but…what if that day never comes? What if she doesn't get better?" he said "I always thought of you as an optimistic man, c'mon Jim, thin about it…she will get better, you just need a little faith" she said "yeah…yeah, you're right" he said.

After she left, it got Jim thinking about how right she was, about how If he didn't have any hope, then how could Melinda, and that is exactly what Melinda needed. He also realised that he was also going through this, he still had to witness everything he had, suffer.

Melinda begun to stir, Jim looked at her and she was slowly opening her eyes. "hey, how you feeling?" he asked "hi" she said quietly "how you feeling?" he repeated. She looked at him and nodded, she still didn't have enough energy to speak. Then her face dropped and she looked at him and mustered up enough energy to speak "is the baby o-okay?" she asked quietly "yeah, honey our baby is okay" he said, tears started streaming down his cheek. She took his hand and looked at him lovingly "im sorry honey, b-but I was so scared…I though-" "Im sorry" she whispered "I love you, I don't know how many times im going to tell you that, but I do, baby, I love you so so much" he said through his tears. "I love you too" she whispered.

She was allowed home the next day, but they had to go home in an ambulance, because she was still too weak to do anything. He carried her into the house and she asked to sit in the living room for a while. Basically, the bedroom was getting boring and annoying, she didn't plan on spending the rest of the life in her bedroom.

"can you call Delia or something, I need people to talk to" Melinda said, who was currently laying on the sofa watching tv. "am I not good enough?" Jim said, pretending to be offended. "its not that, but you're not a girl" she laughed "okay, I'll call her in a tick, first, meds and temp" he said "ugh" she said "sorry, but you need to" he said "I know" she said. He gave her a small tray of tablets labeled Monday. She took all the afternoon ones with a glass of water and sighed when she was finished. "okay, let me check your temp" he said, pulling out a thermometer. He checked the reading and sighed "still a little high babe" he said "how are you feeling?" he asked "sore head, shaky, nauseous, nothing bad" she said . He gave her a worried look and kissed her head "okay, but get some sleep, I'll tell Delia to come around in an hour" he said "okay honey" she said, laying back and closing her eyes.

An hour later, as Jim had said, Delia arrived with some magazines, a book and a bunch of flowers. Melinda was still asleep, But Jim promised he would wake her up. "how is she?" she asked, knowing about her recent hospital trip "she's doing a little better, her meds are stronger now, but…you know, shes still a little weak" he said "poor thing" she sighed "anyway, tea or coffee?" he asked "Tea please, two sugars and a little milk" she said, taking a seat on the other couch. She looked and Melinda and sighed, she hated seeing her best friend so weak.

Jim came back in with the tea and handed it to Delia and then shook Melinda to wake her up "honey, Delia is here". Melinda groaned and opened her eyes. "hey sleepy head, c'mon sit up" he said "can't" she mumbled "you okay?" he asked "sick" she whispered "damn" "Delia, go and get the bucket from the kitchen" he said quickly "okay" she said and jumped up and ran towards the kitchen, she got it and got back just in time for Jim to give it to Melinda.

After she was done being sick, Jim helped her to sit up, while he took the bucket away, and left delia and Melinda in the room to talk.

"ugh…sorry you had to see that" Melinda said "hey, its not your fault, how are you feeling now?" she asked "quite bad to be honest" Melinda said "I brought over some magazines and a few cards from people that have been over to the store" she said "okay, thanks" Melinda said "its been so quiet without you" Delia said "I'll be back soon" Melinda said determinedly "ok just take your time honey" she said "I hate being stuck here all the time, and I hate that Jim has to be stuck here too, I feel so bad that he has to give up everything to be there for me" Melinda said "you know it doesn't bother him, he just wants to help you and be there for you, He would go to the ends of the earth for you Melinda" Delia said "without a complaint" "I know, I just feel so so so bad" she said "don't, its not your fault" Delia said.

Jim came back in the room and gave her a glass of water "your normal colour is returning" he said "don't look like an alien anymore" she laughed "okay, so how are you feeling now?" he asked "been better" she said shakily. "mel?" he said, her skin went deathly pale and she started to shake. "mel are you okay?" he asked "n-n-no" she whispered "me-" he was cut off when she fell back and started to shake again, her eyes rolling to the back of the lids "damn" he said, standing back "should I call 911?" Delia asked In shock "no, it's okay, the doctor gave me a tablet to give to her after she has a seizure, so it can raise her blood pressure" he said "o-okay" Delia said shakily.

When she had finally finished shaking and opened hr eyes, she looked really confused "hey, honey, im right here" he said calmingly "huh" she whispered "Melinda, can you hear me?" he asked "w-who are you?" …

**And there I go again with the cliffhangers! (: lol**

**Update Asap! **

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**3reviewsisanewchap! (:x**


	9. Please save her

**A/N: Hey, Thanks for the reviews!! Im trying my best to update quickly, but its exam term. So, Im kinda cought up in studying atm. Regxx**

_"w-who are you?"..._

"Mel...It's me, Jim" he said, she looked at him and then at delia and shook her head "I...who?" she said "Jim, whats going on?" delia asked frantically "do you...know your name?" Jim asked "uh...uh...." Melinda looked as if she was about to start crying. "should we take her to hospital?" Delia asked "no, they said she might get confused, she should go for a sleep and see if anything changes" he said "okay, you should try and get a little bit of sleep...okay" he said "but I-" "you are called melinda gordon, you are my wife, trust me, you are just confused, but please trust me...-" "Jim" she said quietly, suddenly coming back to herself "melinda, do you know whats going on?" he asked cautiosly "Jim, what happened?" she asked "you remember me?" he said "yes i do why wouldnt I?" she asked "okay, baby, your okay...I think you should get some sleep" he said "yeah, sleep sounds good" she said, she lay her head down and fell asleep straight away, completely unaware as to what just happened.

"Jim, what just happened there?" Delia asked "she had a memory lapse, i was warned this could happen, i guess i just wasnt expecting it to actually happen" he said "shell be okay though, right?" Delia asked "yeah, shell be fine soon, after she gets a sleep and stuff she will feel a little better" he said "thats good" she said. "well, im going to head now, give you guys some peace, and i better get back and do some stuff at the shop seeing as we aren't open tomorrow" she said "how are yoy getting on by yourself?" Jim asked "fine, it would be hard if we were opened all week, but because we are only opened 3 days a week, its running good" she said "and everyones always asking about Melinda, they are all so kind" "thats good, you know if you have problems at the shop you can give me a call and i will come and help" he said "I know, but you have your hands full at the moment, so if i have a problem i will do everything i can to sort it" she said, knowing just how much jim had to do with all of this.

"okay, well...see yah soon" he said "bye" she said, walking out the door.

Delia got home and Ned was home from school, sitting in his room studying "Ned" she said "hey mom, how was Melinda?" he asked "pretty sick" she sighed "did yous watch a movie, chat?" he asked "didnt go quite according to plan" she said and sat down, Ned could see that she was on the verge of tears "mom?" he said "she is so weak" she said "she couldnt even get up, she had a seizure from the stress of being sick" she said "she had a-a seizure?" he asked worredly "yeah, Ned...I dont mean to worry you, but im sure you are old enough now to understand how sick she really is" "well, mom i am 16" "Ned, she couldnt remember us, she was so scared and it was so freaky to see that it could get that bad" tears started to fall.

"and Jim is hurting too, i mean, he is doing everything humanly possible to help her, but he cant see that its helping her in any way, you should have saw the look in his eyes when she didnt remember him, it was like everything he had done didnt matter, it wasnt worth it...He felt like he couldnt do anything to make her feel better, he was hurting and It was just too hard to see that" she said "mom, melinda will be okay...she is strong, and im sure Jim is strong too...I can see you are hurting for her, hell, so am I. But, we all have to be strong, for her...thats all that matters" he said "thanks" Delia said, wiping away a tear.

"its just hard...shes my best friend, she doesnt deserve any of this, she does too much good" she said "i know...she doesnt" he said. Delia hugged him and let the tears fall, and surprisingly, ned had let his tears fall too.

**Meanwhile **

_"Dear god. I dont pray much, infact, i dont think at any point in my life i have taken to pray as the cure for my problems. But the thing is, I want melinda to get better, and I feel like praying for her will help her in some way. I feel like its the wrong person this is happening to. Why does this have to happen to someone who helps people every day, not because she has to, but she chooses to. Why does it have to happen to someone who is so loving, so beautifull and kind and funny. Why couldnt i have been the one to get it. you see, melinda is strong, i know that...but in a sense she also has some ability to give up everything because it seems the easy way out, and she has said before the only way for her to stop and rememeber why she doesnt want to give up is...me. But this time, i dont know...what if i cant guide her through it, what if she feels guilty and decides that givng up is for the better. I dont want her to feel like helping her is a chore. It is something that i want to do, that i love doing...I love making her feel better when her world is glum. I just love having her and holding her. So please god, please, please please, make my wife better. She helps too much and she loves to much to lose this battle" _.

Jim had been sitting at the window looking out at the soft moonlight for a while. He couldnt stop thinking about Melindas memory lapse. _What if it happens again, What if she never remembers me the next time. _He knew he shouldnt think like this. But he was terrified.

Melinda had been asleep for five hours now and Jim had to give her meds. He was scared to wake her up, incase she forgot who he was again, and he wasnt sure if he could take that again.

He gently shook her shoulder and she stirred, opening her eyes, she looked up at him and smiled "hey, what time is it?" she asked "eight" he said "meds" she said "ye, got them here" he said and gave her the tray "how you feeling?" he asked "a little better" she said "thats good, feeling dizzy or anything?" he asked "no, just a little nauseous and tired" she said "well, i need to check your temp, but you do sound a little better" "How was Delia after she left?" she asked while opening the tubs of pills "she was okay, a little shocked" "i better phone her in the morning and let her know im okay" she said "i was thinking, if i am feeling better in a couple of days....i could maybe...go to the shop and visit" she suggested "sure, only if your feeling good...and no lying" he said "no lyin i PROMISE" she said, kissing him on the cheek.

**The next day. **

Melinda looked at Jim, who was at the window opening the curtains. The light shined onto his wet torso, he was only wearing a towel around his waist. She smiled and watched him getting dressed. He had gotten a call from work asking him if he could manage to go in for the day, and after a lot of persuasion from Melinda he said yes, leaving her with Delia for the day. Although, he knew that it was a waste of timme going in when all he would do all say is pace around wondering if Melinda was okay.

"dont worry Jim, i will be fine today...Im feeling pretty good" Melinda said. Jim was hetting his things together and putting on his paramedic coat. "yeah, but you call if anything is wrong, please" he said "i will...dont worry baby" she said "okay, i love you" he said "love you too". He kissed her and left her alone untill Delia came.

When Jim left, Melinda went to the bathroom to get showered and dressed for Delia coming round. She wanted to talk Delia into going out for the day, she was getting sick of staying in all the time and to be honest she was feeling pretty good. She put on a lacy cream dress, with some pearls and a pair of gold pumps. She did her eyes smoky, gold and brown with some dark liner and mascara, and to cover up her pale complexion she put on a little foundation. She let her hair fall in natural curls over her shoulders and smiled. _Finally dont look like death. _She thought to herself.

She went down to the kichen and made herself some wholemeal toast and a poached egg. A glass of Oj and a coffee. After taking her pills, she waited on Delia to come.

Delia arrived ten minutes later, quietly coming through the door, incase Melinda was asleep. "Melinda, you awake?" she called quietly "in here" she said. Delia came into the kitchen and sat down at the table "your looking much better today" she said cheerfully "yeah, feel it too...which is why i was thinking maybe we could go out for lunch, do something other than sit in here all day" she suggested "uh...i dunno melinda, Jim said you were to take it easy an-" "im feeling good, and if i feel good i should make the most of it" Melinda said, putting on puppy eyes "okay, but if you feel sick at all then you tell me and we march straight home" she said "okay, ill just go and get my bag" she chirped.

They got to a small restaraunt and took a seat by the window. "its such a nice day" Melinda said "I know". Melindas alarm went off on her phone and she brought out a little tub of pills. Delia watched sadly as melinda took all the tablets. It seemed as though being out today was an escape from it all, but it would follow her everywhere. Though, Melinda seemed to be happy and to be perfectly honest that was all that mattered.

The waiter came over and Melinda looked through the menu. This was the ricky part. Everything she ate never managed to stay down, so the doctor had told her to try and stay away from anything to creamy or ritch. But at the same time she had to make sure she had something with enough calories in it to maintain a healthy weight. "I will have the roast potato and cherizo salad" Melinda said "are you sure that is enough?" delia asked "yeah, potatos are good" she said "okay, uh...i will have the pasta carbonara" she said "okay, what drinks?" he asked "ill have a glass of red wine" "and i will have a glass of water". Melinda wasn't allowed any types of alchohol, because they might interfere with her meds. "id kill to have a glass of wine" Melinda said "yeah, but you could die drinking it, kinda defeats the purpous" Delia laughed. "i guess".

"so, how is everything with the store?" Melinda asked "great" Delia said "everything is running smoothly" "im coming in tomorrow, i just wanna clear it up with Jim, I'd need to come in after the hospital though" Delia looked shocked "are you sure, its a bit early" she said "yeah, Im sure...I cant be on bedrest every day of this" "i guess thats true".

Melinda's phone begun to ring and she checked the number. Jim. "hey honey" she said when she answered "how are you feeling?" he asked "im feeling good, im just out at lunch with Delia, and im okay, so dont worry" "thats okay then, as long as you are okay" "how is work?" Melinda asked "works work, i just cant wait to see you" he said sweetly "well, you will see me tonight, anyway, i better let you get back to work sweety, I'll talk to you later" Melinda said "okay, love ya" "love you too". Melinda hung up the phone and smiled.

Delia and Melinda ate the rest of Their dinner before going back to Melinda's house. Melinda was getting tired from being on her feet all day and Delia knew that she shouldnt strain herself, so, although they had planned on going to the Cinema, they just decided to rent a movie and watch it at Melindas.

**Later that night. **

Jim came home from work and put his bags down. He walked into the livingroom, o find Melinda fast asleep, and Delia in the Kitchen doing the Dishes. "how was she?" he asked "uh....she was okay, but she was really tired when she got in and she was sick after dinner" Delia said quietly "okay, What has she ate?" he asked "well, at lunch she had a roast potato and cherizo salad and at dinner she had a bowl of chicken noodle soup...which she didnt keep down, I tried to get her to eat after it but she said she just couldnt, she went to sleep about 2 hours ago" Delia said "okay, did she drink anything after being sick?" he asked "yeah, she had a glass of water" she said "thats good, well...thanks so much Delia" "no problem, ill seeya later Jim" she said "take care" he said "bye".

Jim felt melinda's forehead and sighed, she was burning up. _I knew she should have took it easy today_ He thought to himself. He didnt know weather or not to wake her up, but he decided just to wait till she had to get her medication.

About an hour later, he decided to feel her temp again, to check if it was getting any better. Unfortunately, it seemed to be getting worse. She looked a little bit pale, so he decided to wake her up and check how she was doing. "melinda, wake up hun" he said, shaking her shoulder a little. She opened her eyes and took a deep breath "how are you feeling, you are pretty warm" he said "mmm...okay, A little cold though" she said "okay, i will get a blanket for you" he said and grabbed a blanket from the coupboard. "are you feeling ill?" he asked "no, Just tired and my head is a little sore" she said weakly "you want some pain killers?" he asked "yeah, please" she whispered. "do you think you can eat anything?" he asked "i could try" she replied "okay, ill make you some toast" he said.

**Later that night.**

"your feeling a little cooler" he said "I feel a lot better, must have just needed something to eat" she said "so...about tomorrow-" "what is tomorrow?" Jim asked "can I go to work, just a half day" she said. Jim hesitated for a moment. "okay, but only half the day and Delia will keep a close eye on you, you will have to go after the hospital and I will pick you up around 5" Jim said "sounds good, well im going to go to sleep now...love you honey" Melinda said laying her head on the pillow "love you too baby" he said, closing his eyes and letting his mind drift away...

_Jim and Melinda were sitting in the car going to the hospital, he looked outside at the sunfilled fields. The CD player was playing colbie caillat - Bubbly. Jim could hear Melinda singing along quietly. Suddenly the sky went black, the dark masses of clouds gathering up and swirling with the howling wind. Lightning forked around the car, bright flashes illuminating the car. Suddenly a loud crash filled the air, Jim turned to melinda, but she wasnt there, he was alone. "Melinda?!" he shouted. A large voice filled the air "YOU DIDNT PROTECT ME!" It was Melinda "Melinda, I did everything i could" he said "you did not you didnt save me!!!!!" her loud voice echoed through the air, like a skipping song "you didnt save me...you didnt save me...you didnt save me...you-"_

Jim shot up in bed and sighed "it was only a dream" he said to himself. A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away, he whispered to a sleeping Melinda "i promise i will do everything i can to save you".

**A/N: PLEASE REVIEW?!?!?!:) x**

**reaganx**


	10. A shock

The Day after melinda had been to the shop, she decided that she was feeling good enough to go in and work. She woke up really early in the morning and went for a shower. After the shower, she went to her closet to pick out the day's outfit. After a while of deciding, she settled with a long woolen mustard Jumper and black leggings. She then went to the mirror to apply some make up. She just put on a little foundatin and mascara. After she was finished she Curled her long brown hair with loose curls, once she was satisfied with her look, she smiled and headed down stairs. Jim was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and making coffee. Melinda settled onn a cup of coffee and a piece of toast, she wasn't really that hungry. She ate all of her toast and finished off her coffee.

"you look good, hon."Jim said "dont forget to pack you're Med's"

"just about to do that, and thanks"she said with a smile.

"You doing a full day?"

"yeah, i feel really good, any problems, ill give you a call though" she said with a smile as she gathered all her med's together.

She went in the closet and pulled out a mustard yellow Dolce & Gabbana Handbag and black Jimmy Choos. She put all her stuff in the bag and Put on her shoes, kissed jim and left the house to go to work.

Once she was in the car, she put on the CD player and turned it up Full blast. She sang along to '_stronger_' with a large smile on her face. "_He'll love you, He wont love you. But you have to Coz you're stronger than you were before" _She had the window rolled down and the wind blew her hair and face making her feel amazing. She arrived at the store within 10 minutes with a huge smile on her face.

"hey melinda! Its so great to see you!"Delia said as she went over to melinda and gave her a hug.

"its great to see you too!"

"how ya' feelin?"

"Good, god who knew that chemo would be this hard. its great to have at least a few days of feeling good!"

"well, if you feel sick or anything just let me know" she said

"sure"

The day was going pretty good. The only time Melinda had to stop was to take her med's and she didnt even feel tired. It was now 2pm and Melinda was now talking to a costomer who she knew quite well. Delia was at the corner of the shop sorting a display. A strand of hair fell into melinda's face and when she went to pull it away, it came out, along with more. Melinda was terrified, and gasped, without ttelling the costomer, she ran away half way through the conversation. Delia noticed and was completely baffled as to what just happened. Melinda ran to the store bathroom and slammed the door shut and locked it behind her. she ran over to the sink and mirror and ran her hand through her hair, but to her dismay, her hair was falling out, long brown locks of hair landing in the sink before her eyes._no..not now..not here!_she cried to herself. She sat down on the bathroom floor and cried her heart out. She felt like a freak, she felt like everyone would laugh at her, like in high school. She could hear Delias frantic knocks on the door, but couldnt face her now, so she didnt reply when Delia shouted in at her, her voice full of concern and fear.

"MELINDA, LET ME IN!" delia shouted.

"Mel, please hon, let me in".

"no" was all melinda managed to say through her tears.

"melinda, whats wrong, do you feel ill?" she asked.

"please, just leave me alone" mel cried.

Delia didn't know what to do, she couldnt get in and she didnt even know what was wrong, so she phoned jim. Hopefully he'd get through to her. Jim arrived within 10 minutes and was now, like Delia trying to get melinda to let him in, or come out.

"Melinda, honey Please please let me in" he pleaded

Melinda trusted jim and decided to let him, only him in. she didnt want anyone else to see her like this.

When Jim go in to the bathroom, before he could ask her what was going on, he saw her hair in the sink and on the floor and he could see the look on melinda's eyes, the fear and the anger. He pulled her in for a hug, but she pulled away.

"dont, Jim...Im ugly" she choked through her tears "what, Melinda, baby youre not ugly, you are beautiful" he said honestly "no...Jim my h-hair is falling out, how can I be beautifull with no hair" she cried "Melinda, you are beautiful nomatter what, trust me, now...lets get you home sweety" he said, hugging her "no!" she snapped "i cant leave like this" she said quietly "ill get you a hat" he said, kissing her on the head.

He ran and got the hat and placed it on melinda's head and they left the shop without explaining to Delia what had happened, though she knew jim would phone her later. Later on Delia was cleaning up in the bathroom when she noticed hair on the floor, she now understood what had happened erlier that day, she sighed and felt so sorry for her friend, whom she loved so much. She didnt know how hard this must be but she had a rough idea.

Melinda and Jim were in the bedroom, Jim was hugging melinda and she was crying softly. It wasnt just losing her hair that she was crying at, it was everything. She felt like she had to cry and having Jim there was making her feel slightly better. The way he told her she was pretty and he loved her was reassuring to hear. To Melinda this was going to be really hard to look at herself in the mirror everyday and see, to her someone else. Though To jim she wasnt changing at all.

To Jim, Melinda was beautiful nomatter what, she was inside and out an amazing and stunning woman.

**PLeaaaaaaaaaaase reviewwwww:)**


	11. baby

Melinda woke up early, she had an appointment to check on the baby and she was really nervous. She knew that doing chemotherapy could be a risk to the baby so she was always fearing the worst when she had appointments, the only two things keeping her fighting right now were Jim and her baby. If anything happened to it, she would completely break down...and proberbly never get back up again.

She felt that she would be responsible if the baby got hurt, the main reason being...she knew it was bad that her diet at the moment was terrible, all the medication she was taking was no good for the baby and the lack of excersise was also bad. Even though Both Melinda and Jim knew that this wasnt Melindas fault, she still knew that if antyhing happened, she would just blame it all on herself.

"Melinda Gordon" the nurse said, leading Jim and Melinda into a small room with a bed and a desk. "so Melinda, how are you feeling?" she asked kindly as Melinda took a seat, "im okay thanks" she said "thats good" she said "well, we are just gonna do a scan and you ccan see your little baby" she said "if you could just lay on the bed and pull up your top" she said.

Melinda lay on the bed and pulled up her top, revealing a small baby bump. "so, this will be cold" she said, rubbing jelly all over her belly. She started rubbing the thing on her belly, Melinda looked at the screen. Soon, a thumping noise filled the air and a picture came up on the screen "oh my god" Melinda said, she was overcome with emotion, seeing her little baby on the screen and hearing the thumping of its tiny heart "do you want to know the sex?" she asked "no" "yes" Both Melinda and Jim said simulteniosly "sorry honey, no we want a surprise" he smiled "okay, well this is your little baby" she said. Tears rolled down Melindas cheek "I love you sweety" she said to the image on the screen. Seeing her child, kind of made this a little harder, just going by everyday wondering if its your last. And what if he or she has to grow up with no mom, Melinda couldnt handle not being there for her child.

"why are you crying?" Jim asked, Melinda nodded her head "honey...whats wrong?" he asked "Im just...scared" she whispered. The nurse wiped the gel off of Melindas belly and looked at her appoligetically "Melinda, dont be scared...you will get through this and you will have a beautiful child and amazing husband to be with, your strong, i know you have proberbly had this exact lecture off of like fifty people, but you know why?" she said "because they are right, you are strong, brave" she said "so please have a little faith in yourself" she said. Melinda sniffed and nodded her head "yeah" she said, not too sure as to what she was agreeing with.

She left with a picture in hand and on the way home, Melinda looked out the window of the car lost in thought _Our baby is beautiful, I know it, I love it so much...so so much, im blessed to be given such a miracle, and if anything happens to it, i dont think i could survive. _

Jim Looked at melinda and smiled "you okay?" he asked "yeah" she said, taking his hand brefly befor he put it back on the wheel. "are you gonna go to the shop today?" he asked "no, im feeling pretty run down...I'll just spend the day with you" she said "okay, what do you want to do?" he asked "lay in bed, talk" she said "i feel like we never talk anymore, im always ill and asleep or you need to be at work when im not sick" she said "okay, talking sounds great" he said "you look so beautiful today" he said "no i dont" she said quietly "you do" he said.

Melinda had taked the decision to shave her head the night before, it was hard...Jim held her while she cried after it.

"you really do" he said "thanks" she said, opting not to argue about this, he would win anyway. She laughed and when they parked outside the house she kissed him seductivly.

"so...are you sure you wanna _talk?_" he asked, she laughed and kissed him again, biting his lip this time "maybe we could..._Play first" _she said, they raced inside and bolted up to the bedroom, he pushed her onto the bed and slowly one by one undid the buttons to her shirt, when he got to the last one, he pulled it off and threw it on the floor, then started to place hungry kisses working his way down from her neck, and back up. He kissed her neck and soflty bit the skin playfully "ooh god" she whispered, pulling off his top and un-doing his jeans then droppin them to the floor. he then pulled off her jeans and threw them half way across the room "jim" Melinda mumbled, kissing him on the torso and all the way down till she got to the rim of his boxers she pulled back the elastic and let it go, then slowly pulled them down to the floor, Jim pushed her further back into the bed and slowly pulled down her lacy thong.

**---Afterwords---**

Jim and Melinda had been lying quietly for a while now "so, what do you think we should call it?" Jim asked "uh...i dont know, jamima" she joked "humfrey" he laughed. Melinda looked down at her belly and rubbed it "I wonder if he or she will have your eyes" she said "i dunno, im kinda hoping it has your eyes, you have beautiful eyes" He said "but they are boring, brown, your eyes are so perfect, ocean blue...magical" she said "you dont have boring eyes, your eyes can tell so many stories, you draw people in and your eyes are amazing" he said "jim, were gonna be a mommy and daddy" she said, smiling "i know, its amazing isnt it" he said "I cant wait, for every single minute of it" she said "even the parts people hate, you know why?" she said "why?" he asked "cuz jim, when i have this baby...i might be cancer free, and that means that I can wake up every day taking in everything i would have missed" she said "if i had not beat it" she said "so, your gonna beat it" he said "yeah, I mean...there might be days where I feel like I might not make it, and Ill feel like im not winning the battle, but then i will have you...and thats all I need to know that I can do this" she said "yeah, you can do this...you will do this" he said, kissing her on the head. Then on the belly.

"we are gonna be parents" Melinda repeated happily.

Parents.

**PLEASE REVIEW! **

**x reagan x**


	12. The Hardest part

**Thanks for the fabbie responce! x **

**Reagan x **

Melinda was alone in the house, Jim had gone to work for the day. She was cleaning up and listening to Music. She was singing along happily, when suddenly, she felt a pain in her stomache "oua" she said, sitting down on the sofa and taking a deep breath. She stood up and suddenly a unbearable pain ripped through her stomache "owch" she said, "oh god" she breathed, it was getting more and more painful by the second. She picked up her phone and dialled Jims Number "hey" he said "j-jim he-owch" she said brethlessly, sitting on the floor "Mel, whats wrong? whats going on?!" he asked frantically "aaa...I n-nee-d h-e-lp" she stuttered "what is wrong?!" he asked "what is happening?!" he shouted "T-the b-b-ba-by" she cried "okay, ill be right there, Im in the ambulance, we'll be there in two seconds" he said. Melinda felt a warm liquid running down her leg, she looked down in shock and saw blood all over her dress "oh my god" she breathed "Mel, what is it?!" he asked frantically "J-Jim I-I'm B-b-bleeding" she cried.

"okay honey, just try to stay calm okay, we will be there in a second, just try and talk to me okay" he said, he got no reply "Mel?" he said, still no reply "Melinda, are you okay? are you awake?!" he asked loudly.

Melinda was unconcious.

They barely parked when Jim jumped out of the ambulance and bounded through the door. He ran into the living room and saw her laying on the floor, with blood all over her white dress and all over the carpet "oh my god, Mel" he said, running over to her. He kneeled down by her side and put an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose. "bobby, get a stretcher" he shouted "Melinda, can you hear me?!" he shouted, giving her shoulder a light shake, but she didnt respond. She was pale, sweaty and shaking. He checked her pulse, it was weak. "Melinda, please wake up, come on honey, its Jim" he said, she still didnt respond.

Bobby and Jim put her on the stretcher and they lifted her up. Jim took her hand when they got her in the ambulance "its okay honey, everything is gonna be okay" he said. Melinda started to breathe heavily and she opened her eyes a little "j-j-jim" she panted, through the unberable pain. "baby, where is it sore? were nearly there honey" he said frantically squeezing her hand "m-m-m-my aaa....s-stom-mache" she panted "ETA 5 minutes out" Bobby shouted from the front. Jim looked down at Melinda, who was starting to lose consiousness again "no! baby, you gotta keep your eyes open, okay?" he said, she half opened her eyes "thats good, just keep them open honey" he said, tightening his grip on her hand.

They pulled into the ambulance bay and Jim and bobby rushed her inside.

Melinda was placed on a bed, and Jim watched akwardly from the corner of the room as the nurses poked and proded melinda to find out what was happening. One of the nurses started to push areas in her stomache lightly and suddenly Melinda begun to scream "okay, i think we need to get her into surgery right away" she exclaimed. They put another mask over melindas face "Melinda, we need you to take deep breaths, okay" a nurse said calmingly, Melinda nodded her head "okay, this will take away the pain and it will put you into a sleep, okay, so remember, deep...calming breaths" she said, Melinda did as instructed and soon, was off intoo a deep sleep.

**3 hours later. **

Jim had been sitting unpatiently waiting on how Melinda and the baby was, although he knew things didnt look good. He hadnt yet called anyone, he wanted to know first..then he would make calls.

He had been sitting with his head in his hands for what seemed to him, an eternity...when the doctor came walking towards him. With an apolligetic look on his face.

"how is she?" Jim asked frantically "how are they?" he corrected.

The doctor placed a hand on Jims shoulder, Jim knew what was coming next...

"Jim, Melinda is doing okay, she lost a lot of blood but we managed to get her just in time" he said "what about...w-what about the baby?" he asked, fearing the worst "Jim...Im really sorry, but the baby didn't make it, melinda had a miscarrage" he said.

Jim collapsed onto the chair. _Why?_ he said to himself, well maybe not himself..._Why did you have to take my baby...everything is falling apart...why did this have to happen?_.

Tears streamed down his cheeks, he rocked back and forth constantly repeating to himself, '_why?'_, but he knew there was no answer to that question...To everyone else....It just _happened. _

He wiped away his tears and took a deep breath.

"can i see her?" he asked, shakily "yeah, Jim...no one had informed Melinda yet of what has happened, she is still under heavy seditave, so maybe when she wakes up...do you want to tell her?" the doctor asked "o-okay" he said, then followed him into Melindas room, where he collapsed into the chair in heavy sobbs.

_How was he going to tell her? _

It wasnt till 2 hours later she woke up. Jim mustered up enough stregnth to take her hand and begin, "Melinda, honey I have to tell you something" he said quietly, Melinda looked at him, before he could say it, tears were streaming down her cheeks "Melinda, our baby didnt make it, the doctor said that she just couldnt handle all the medication" he said "im so s-s-sorry sweety, I love you so much" he cried. Jim looked into Melindas eyes and could see the dread, the despair, the anger.

She looked away from him and up to the roof.

_I feel so empty. _

_Its all my fault, all...my...fault.  
_

_**so, what did you think? I know i didnt do this on the last story but i told you guys this one would be a little different. **_

_**Please tell me what you think xxx **_

_**pay x **_


	13. Keep holding on

**Ty for reviewing! **

_**Your love is like a red umbrella  
Walk the streets like Cinderella  
Everyone can see it on my face**_

It was cold, freezing. The moonlight was spilling through a gap in the blinds. Jim was asleep, Melinda was wide awake. Staring at the roof as if something were to happen to ease the ache.

The only two words she could form were _I'm Sorry...I'm sorry. _Although, in the back of her mind she knew that it wasnt her fault, she didnt do anything wrong. She just felt like if she hadn't been unwell, her baby would be fine.

She looked at Jim, so peacefull and calm, she wondered what he was dreaming about, was it good, was it bad? Was he in as much pain as she was in?

Melinda had never felt so willing to give up on the life she had learned to love. Right now, it seemed like she was just falling into pieces, and the only thing she had was one person, trying to reassure her. What was the use on all of the pain and weakness from the cure, the cure that had killed her little girl. Why was there any point in fighting now?

A tear spilled down her cheek, though she didnt wipe it, she just let it trail down her neck and dissappear. More followed them, and the trailed off into nothingness, becoming non-existant, like Melinda wished she could be right then. She looked at the sky turn from black to blue and then to a light orange, and then bright blue. Jim woke up, he looked at her and sighed, she was so distant, so...broken. He took her hand, and looked into her eyes, "did you get any sleep?" he asked quietly. She looked at him and blinked, letting more tears fall down. "no" she whispered, "hey, baby talk to me...tell me how you feel" he said gently. Melinda didn't look at him, she looked at the window instead...though, it seemed like she wasnt quite looking at it, like she wasnt regestering it being there.

"melinda...i love you, i will do anything, _anything..._to help you" he softly said, he took her hand and kissed it gently. "I love you too, Jim" she whispered.

"hey" he said, trying to say something that might make her feel a little better. "you might be getting home later tonight" he said "okay" she whispered, he sighed and tried to stop the tears that were threatning to fall. "baby...you're scaring me" he said, caring, worried. "why?" she asked, still using the same tone she had been all morning, empty and alone. "you wont tell me how you feel, what you're thinking, I want to be here for you, i want to understand you...please baby" he said "Jim, I just dont want to talk about it, it hurts" she said "I understand that" he said "but im worried about you, that's all" he whispered "you don't need to be, i'm not worth it, Jim. I killed our baby" she started to cry "honey, you did _not _kill her, you didn't, she was just too weak to fight all of the treatment" "yeah, the treatment I was having, If i just waited to get the treatment till after she was born, it would have been different" she cried "you really think that? I mean, Melinda you couldnt wait, that meant that you would have left it to get worse, and worse. you had to get the chemo, you need to get better" he said "no, i dont. I give up" she whispered, brokenly.

"don't talk like that, please, Mel. you have to fight, fight so that we can have a lifetime together, a lifetime of love and joy" he said "I will never have joy again, Jim. Don't you get that, can't you see that everything is just falling apart. I dont want to fight anymore, i'm sorry, i'm just not strong enough anymore" she cried "ba-" "no, please. Just leave me alone for a while" she cried. Jim stood up and left the room silently, then watched from the window as Melinda cried and cried, untill there was no more tears left.

After a while, Jim was sitting outside the room, when he saw Delia approaching. He stood up and Delia too him into her arms, comfortingly. "I'm so sorry" she said "how is she holdin' up?" she asked, worredly "uh...not so good, she doesnt want me in there, she wants to be alone...Delia, she said she wants to give up" "I'm sure she doesnt want to give up, she wont give up, she's just scared" she said "yeah i get that, dont you think that _I'm _scared too? do you know how this feels? do, you Delia...have you ever had to sit and watch helplessly as the one person who means the most to you gets weaker and weaker, the life just draining out of them...do you know how it feels to have to pretend like you know its all going to be okay, when all you can think about is _what if she dies?_ do, you delia?" he snapped. "no...Jim I dont know how that feels, but you know what, Melinda means a lot to me, she is my best friend, and I see her wasting away too, i see her faith in getting over this going with her strength. But I'm telling the truth when i say that i know...Jim, _I know_ she will beat this. I really do" Delia replied, Jim looked at her and burst into tears. "I just miss the way she used to be...she doesn smile anymore...or laugh, sometimes i find it hard to get her to even talk to me" he cried "i know, Jim i'm so sorry that all of this has happened" she said, hugging him. "you want me to go speak to her?" she said, he nodded and sat down on the waiting chair. "okay, ill be back soon" she said, quietly walking into the room.

She took a seat Next to melinda and looked at her sympatheticly, Melinda just avoided her look. "Mel" she said, "you wanna talk?" she asked, Melinda shook her head, and Delia sighed. They sat in silence for a while before Melinda broke the silence. "Ellie" she whispered "I was thinking last week, when we saw the ultrasound, that if the baby was a little girl I wanted to call her Ellie...somehow, i knew it, I really knew I was carrying a little girl" Melinda said "and I was thinking about what it was going to be like to hold her in my arms, to feel her tiny body fit perfectly into my arms, to dress her up in little pink dresses, curl her hair, look into her eyes and see the most beautiful creation on this planet...and now ill do none of that, now i have nothing to look foreward to" Melinda said, starting to cry "Melinda, what about jim, he needs to see you in all this pain, he helps as much as he can, yet he feels like thats not good enough, maybe you should think about that...I get that its hard, but think about having jim forever, of jim having you forever" she said "you have to fight, for that at least" she said, taking Melindas hand.

"_you're right, i need to fight, for everything me and Jim have...its all worth the battle". _

**Ill update ASAP, not that anyone actually reads it anyway?:L xxx lyAll xx **


	14. fight it

**3 weeks later. **

A couple of weeks after Melinda had been told about her baby, things didnt seem to be improving. She was down so low that it became hard for her to tell Jim how she really felt, and it didnt help that she was feeling exhausted and worn down. She couldnt keep food down, she couldnt think straight, she coudlnt sleep because her mind was a mess.

**2 days later. **

Melinda still hadn't improved. In fact she seemed to be getting worse. Jim decided that it had gone too far and took her to the Hospital. She wasn't eating a single thing. The day after Delia had come around Jim told Melinda how he felt, but it didn't help. It just made melinda feel bad that she was putting jim through it. Melinda had now been in the hospital for Four days, she was put on an IV and she couldnt eat, so they had to feed her through tubes. Some day's she couldnt remember her name. And some days she couldnt speak. Jim was restless. The doctors just kept saying that she was reacting bad to the chemo. Delia was worried too as was Eli and Beth. Melinda was constantly in pain and Jim held her when she was. Hoping it would giveher some relief. They had to give her stronger pain medication. Though the side effects were full blown, making her sick and dizzy. They didnt help with her weakness, though they did sllightly give her a relief from pain. Melinda was not allowed out of the hospital untill she was able to eat herself. So jim tried and tried because he knew how much Melinda hated Hospitals. She had managed to eat one meal, but couldnt keep it down for long. It terrified Jim to see his wife so ill and beaten. While she was in the hospital a whole array of thoughts going from bad to terrible ran through his mind. He didnt sleep at all, he didnt want to close his eyes in case melinda needed him. Delia tried so hard to get him to go home and get some rest, but he just would not leave her side. His love was slipping away from him and he had to get her to come back.

**2 Days later**

Melinda was still in hospital, she was awake and Jim was talking to her

"Melinda, can i ask you something?", "yeah" he looked at her deeply and took her hand. "Can you promise me, that you wont give up?"

"jim I am not giving up, but i feel like, i dunno its getting so hard to fight this, that i will lose. and i am scared."A single tear rolled down melinda's cheek and fell from her face, soon that one tear was followed by other's. A tear also formed in Jim's eye, though he tried to keep it from falling."Melinda you just have Try that little bit harder, please"

"i am Jim, but you don't know how this feels. Oh god...I hate it, i hate the pain and the Hurt that it causes you and i hate the fact that there are days where i don't even remember my own bloody name! i hate it, i just hate it and i-i dont know if i take it a-anymore" She choked through her sobs. Emotion overwhelming her.

"Mel, i know you will fight this, why do you not believe in yourself, it;s hard, yeah but how happy would you be when you get told the cancer is gone and when we have children?"he said"How happy will you be when you go back to the store and when you get to go for pickniks or to the beach and stuff, its harn now but i **promise** you itwill get better"

"you cant promise that jim! I am scared, i am so fucking scared! Do you know what it feels like to go to bloody bed every night and wonder if you will wake up tomorrow? Do you know how it feels to look outside when the sunsets and wonder if you will ever see that again? NO you DONT! So you cant bloody promise me that, okay?!"

"mel, dont be like that honey, i just believe in you"

"yeah well believing in me aint gonna make me better Jim, you dont actually get it do you? Can you just leave me alone for a while, i need to think" she asked, sounding pretty upset and pissed.

"Mel, im sorry, i didnt know that is how you felt" He said lovingly and then exited the room, hiding the tears that had started to fall.

Melinda couldnt help but let the tears fall furiously down her cheeks, she cried Hystericly, alone. Soon she pulled out her diary that she had been keeping with her. She decided that if she wrote down what she felt it would help a bit.

_Dear Diary._

_I hate my life._

_Thats all i really need to say. God i wish it could just GO AWAY! Who knew that life couuld suck so bloody much!!!!!!! Jim 'PROMISED'me that this would get better. I know that he was just trying to comfort me, but. SERIOUSLY!! A promise aint gona get rid of cancer. I hate my life! I havebeen so sick lately! I want to tell Jim that i am ready to give up. I honestly think i am. IT HURTS! SO MuCH!_

_I took all my emotion out on Jim. Really shouted at him. I told him what i have actually been feeling. And GOD why was i so nasty? it Just bugs me that he thinks that words can get rid of all this! I doubt that i will get better. I honestly Doubt it. I was laying in bed the other night, thinking about stuff and i was thinking about something really really bad, i was thinking about telling jim that i was ready to go. But something stopped me, not sure what it was exactly but i felt like what i was thinking was wrong. Though now i feel it again. Today has been the only day that i have managed to have a proper convo with him and thats the way the convo goes? I could have been nice but he had to hear it one way or another. I was thinking about the fact that One goodting had come out of having this. Me & Jim's Love is Stronger than ever, well cant say that much for today, but i wil apoligise. Anyway, it is stronger in so many ways. If that is even remotly possible because what we have is Magic! A Miricle. Well, anyway. I have to talk to Jim, so, _

_Bye. :(_

Melinda sat for a while, and soon jim poked his head through the door.

"hey, can we talk?" he asked sincerely

"yeah" she replied

"Mel, i am sorry, but This is tough for me too"

"yeah i though about it when you were gone, i know this is hard to hear but ihave to ask you" she said

"as me what?"

"Well, if i die, will you Promise me that you will be able to find love again? and that you will Be happy?"

"mel,dont tal-" Jim was cut off my mel

"no, i have to hear it, please"

"i cant answer that because you wont die"

"PLEASE! " MElinda cried

"but idont think i could ever fall inlove again, thats the truth, you are the most amazing Woman i have ever met"

" but you would try and you'd move on"

"i guess" jim found it hard to reply to the question. This was a hard conversation.

"jim, am not ready to go, not while i have you here with me, i thought i was but i know that I am not, i promise i wont give up that easy" melinda said.

"Good" Jim smiled, he liked that she said that.

"i love you Jim"

"i love you too!".

**Sorry for the bad writing, most of that was copied from a chapter of YCBT cuz im lazy lol and pretty busy, ill be updating today or tomorrow :) x reagan -xox **


	15. Paris

**Right, okay. I apolagise in advance, i know she did a diary entry in the previous chapter but i actually wrote this chapter before that one, i made a mistake by making her write in it before because in this chapter i explain how she hadnt wrote i it for years lol, just ignore it LOL x reagan xox **

**3 weeks later. **

"come on, Melinda I need to give you something" Jim said, while holding a large envelope in his hands, he gave her a kiss on the cheek and she sat down on the couch. "whats this?" she asked "a present, for you" he said, handing her the envelope. "okay" she said, confused as to why he was giving her a present. She opened it up and screamed loudly. 2 tickets to paris. "Jim, when, why, whaaaa!" Melinda was shocked, she really didn't expect this. "we re going tomorrow, its cleared, we're going for two weeks and i have all your medicine and clothes packed" he said "Jim, thank you soo soo much!" Melinda screamed, hugging him as tight as she could.

The next day Jim and Melinda woke up early and drove to the airport. The morning was clear, the bright sun made melinda even more excited about this holiday that she needed badly. They were soon on the plane and taking off to get to paris. "I love flying" Jim said to a nervous Melinda. "mm" she mumbled. "why, mm?" he asked, knowing that the reason she 'mmm'd' was because she was terrified of flying. "when we get there, we will go for a sleep, then we'll go a walk to check stuff out" he said "okay, sounds good, I can't wait to land" she said shakily "aw, hun, c'mere" he said, hugging her close as she fell asleep.

"babe, we're here" he said, Melinda opened her eyes and yawned "I slept the full flight?" she asked, shocked "you sure did" he laughed. They got a rental car and went straight to the hotel. Their room was simple but pretty, a double bed, a plasma tv, a desk, a bathroom and a balcony. It was painted cream and purple with matching curtains and bed linen. The view, though. was amazing. It looked right out at the Eiffel tower, Melinda smiled as she gazed at its beauty. She'd never saw something so perfect. "let's get some sleep" Jim suggested, grabbing Melinda's hand "okay" she whispered, yawning.

Later that day when Jim woke up, he got showered and dressed, letting Melinda get a little extra sleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and sighed, when he noticed Melinda was a little pale.

"babe" he whispered and shook her arm a little, "wake up" he said, she didn't respond, he shook her a little more, she stirred and opened her eyes a little. "you feeling okay?" he asked, she nodded "Fine" she whispered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "sleep well?" he asked "yeah" she said, this time standing up and heading to the bathroom. Jim sighed, hoping that she wasn't lying.

After Melinda had taken a shower, Jim went down to the hotel restraunt for lunch, Melinda promised she wouldnt be far behind.

After Jim had left the room, Melinda went into her suitcase and looked through it till she came across an old tattered Diary. She opened it up and flicked through the pages 'till she came to a clean page, she took a pen and wrote.

_Dear Diary, _

_wow, i haven't wrote on this thing since i was like 18 years old. I came across it while digging through some of my old boxes in the attic. I decided i may aswell start to write more now, so that I can at least fill it up to the end...well I hope, thats my goal. So, let me fill you in on the past like 12 years, lol. Alot has happened. I've grew up, moved out and got a job, I own an antique shop in a small town namef grandview. Its pretty cool. But, the biggest thing thats happened to me, the best. I met someone...No, not someone, I met Jim. Jim Clancy. He is the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, he makes me smile at the most impossible of times, he holds me so tight when i'm feeling down, he makes me feel like more than just 'the girl who talks to the dead'. He makes me feel loved, and special. Hes so amazing. I dont even know how to sum him up to be honest. So, Jim and I are married, we have a lovely house that he built, its huge and just beautiful. We have a wonderful life, or so...we had. Something happened, just a few months ago, i was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Since then, things haven't been quite as amazing for me. Don't get me wrong, Jim...hes the most amazing help that I could get, he is amazing with me. But you know, it hurts a lot to have the thought in your mind every day that its going to be your last. It is scary, no, its pretty terrifying. Im praying, praying so hard that i can get through this, because I can't leave Jim alone, I cant lose all i have...x anyway, I'm in paris, Jim has taken me here as a surprise :) so, im going to go and meet him for dinner. _

_Melinda -xo _

Melinda put the diary away and got dressed into a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a lacy cream tunic, that went above her knees and a pair of gold sandals. She pulled on the Wig that Jim had given to her after she had gone through a few days of feeling horrible about herself. She let the natural curls surround her face and fall freely over her shoulders. She finished her look off with a little light lipgloss and smokey eyes. She put on a gold chain and gold earings and smiled, then went down to meet Jim.

"hey" he said, then took a proper look at her "wow, you look hot" he said, kissing her roughly. She smiled and sat down on the chair he had pulled out for her. "well, this is nice", Jim handed Melinda a menu and smiled "thanks" she said. "so, what took you so long?" Jim asked "oh, nothing. I was just thinking", Jim looked at her, confused, "about what?" he asked, hopinh it'd be nothing too serious. "just how beautiful this place is, how beautiful you are" she smiled and took his hand. "i love you so much, I'll never leave you, you know that, right?" she asked "yeah...course, you're strong" he said, kissing her cheek. "now" he said "lets order food, im starving".

After a lovely chat through dinner, nothing to do with dying, or being ill. Melinda and Jim left the restraunt, They decided to go for a walk. The sky was clear, letting the buildings be lit up with the soft silver moonlight. The eiffel tower wasnt far from where they were walking, it was exrordinary, towering much higher than any of the other buildings, lit up so that it could be seen from miles away. "wow, this is so pretty" Melinda said "yeah, it is, isn't it" Jim agreed, "you know what would be better though?" he asked, with a cheeky grin. " Melinda laughed and pulled him close so she could kiss him softly on the lips. "i think we should go back to the hotel, and you should give me a massage" she said "no bother, lets go" he agreed.

**So, its not the longest of chapters, but its a lovely day so im sitting in the sun writing, so ill update again todayy =] happy day people :) xxx reagan**


	16. Eiffel tower, picnic, sick

The next morning Melinda woke up before jim, she took her diary and went out to the balcony to write. The sun was beating down onto her bare arms, heating her up and making her feel amazing.

_Dear diary, _

_did i mention that i LOVE paris?! well, i LOVE LOVE PARIS! haha. Its an amazing day! super awesome and sunny. haha, i sound like a frikin' 12 year old. Anyway, i think Jim has plans for today, though im ot entirely sure what the plans are?! I cant wait anyway. From our balcony i can see the perfect eiffel tower from here. The food in the hotel is amazing, and the people --here are so kind. :) Im feeling pretty sore today, my heads thumping, but I dont want to ruin this...its just to amazing. So, ill leave it, not tell jim. unless it gets too bad, im not stupid, i know i need to be carefull. I'm off to get ready for whatevers gonna happen today :) _

_melindaa -xo_

Melinda went back into the room and hid the diary before going for a shower and picking some clothes to wear. She settled for a white strap dress, with a thick red belt at the waiste with a pair of red heels finished off with a chunky red necklace and a white cardi. She decided to straighten her wig. She smiled and put on a little lipgloss and mascara. She sighed when her head begun to ache and she clamped her eyes shut to try and get rid of the pain. Just then, Jim came out from the bathroom, he noticed melinda and ran over to her.

"what's wrong?" he asked, feeling her burning forehead. "I think I-I'm going to p-pass out" she mumbled. "okay, c'mon lie down" he said, helping her up and she gripped onto him, while wobbling over to the bed, she lay on top of the covers and breathed deeply. "okay, I'm gonna get you some water and tablets, two secs" he said, going over to the suitcase then he pulled a bottle of water out of the mini fridge. "okay, how bad is it?" he asked. Melinda took a deep breath, without opening her eyes she answered "really really bad" she whispered "okay, take a tablet and a drink and I want you to stay awake for a while, keep talking to me" he said "ok" she whispered. About 10 minutes later, Jim allowed Melinda to go for a sleep while he went down to the shop and bought a bottle of wine and a dvd, they decided to stay in so that Melinda could take it easy.

After two DVD's and a bottle of wine, Melinda had fell asleep rested on jims chest. Jim's cell vibrated in his pocket, he looked at it, a text from Delia.

**Hey, just checking in, how are you guys doing? is it nice weather? txt back :) xDee. **

**Hey Dee, We're okay, Melinda was a little under the weather today...but im sure she'll be fine tomorrow, nothin' stopps this girl. Anyway, the weather is amazing and everything here is perfect :) Talk to you soon, Jim&Mel. **

After he texted Delia back, he lay Melinda down and cuddled into her. "love you" he whispered, and kissed her cheek, but then sighed when he felt that it was a little warm. "Melinda, wake up" he said, she stirred a little and sighed. "you feeling okay?" he asked worredly "uh...my head is soo sore" she whispered weakly "again?" suddenly more cautious "jim, I-i'ts so sore" she mumbled, sleepily. "okay, I'll get you pills again, you had your last dose like 6 hours ago, so you're safe" he said, "O-okay" she whispered. After he had given her the pills, she was laying down with her eyes closed and breathing deeply again so she could calm the pain a little. Jim held her hand and put a CD in the CD player, it was Eva Cassidy, one of Melinda's favorite singers. She hummed along gently to songbird and soon both she and Jim fell asleep.

The next morning Melinda woke up feeling a little worse. She decided not to say anything to jim, she had already spoiled one day, and she didnt want to have a repeat again. She got dressed and left with jim, on a day he had planned without her knowing.

First, jim took her to the Eiffel tower, The view from the top was spectacular. Everything looked tiny, like ants, and it went on for miles, The sky was clear blue, and the sun was beating down on them. "wow" was all they could say, with their jaws nearly hit the floor. Niether of them had ever see something so amazing. "lunch?" Jim asked, taking her hand "sure" she agreed, and they left the tower and all its amazingness.

Jim led Melinda to a perfect piece of grass by the tower and out of his bag, she had somehow managed to not see, he pulled out a small picnic basket. He lay out the usual red and white checked blanket and then he pulled out some strawberries, apples, grapes, lettuce, peppers, onions and tomatoes. Then a large baguette. After that a bottle of wine and 2 wine glasses. "a treat" he said "oh gosh, this is lovely" Melinda said, grinning.

"so" Jim started "I was thinking...only if you're up to it, we could go somewhere very special tomorrow" jim said "where?" Jim smiled "disney land", Melinda chirped in excitement "course i'm up to it!" she said happily "yay". "you enjoying the food?" he asked "amazing" she took a strawberry and bit it, "hm...haven't had one of those yet, any good?" he asked, kissing her and letting the flavors transfer to his mouth. "yum" he said, pushing her down on the blanket and layig down next to her, kissing her again. "mmm, I love you" she said "yeah, you say that a lot, I Love you too baby, so so so much" he smiled.

After lunch, and some very affectionate public displays. Jim packed up the basket and took her to a large coach bus. "where are we going?" she asked "the louvre" he said, leading her on the very packed bus. "how long is this journey?" she asked "about 20 - 30 minutes, why?" Jim asked. "no reason" she said, quietly. _because I'm feeling like utter crap. _She thought to herself. About ten minutes into the ride, the incredibly hot and stuffy bus got to melinda. "jim, I don't feel so good" Melinda mumbled, feeling again like she was about to pass out. "shoot" Jim sighed, looking in his bag "oh shit, shit _shitshitshit" _"what?" "i forgot to pack your meds, shit, how could i be so stupid, how are you feeling, what are you feeling?" he asked "ugh, dizzy, claustrophobic" she whispered, her eyes were shutting. "okay, we need to get you off this bus" he said, running over to the driver.

"hey, i need you to stop the bus, see my wife, she needs air, she's going to pass out" Jim said quickly to the driver "the nearest place i can stop is in 5 minutes, Is that okay?" he asked "i dont know, I'll need to go check her, hurry" Jim said. When he got Back to melinda, her eyes were closed, she was sweating and pale. "Mel" he said, slapping her cheek gently, her eyes half opened "wake up, babe" he said "you need to stay awake" he said worredly. "dude, she doesn't look good at all" a random guy said, who was sitting in frond of Jim. By now, most of the people on the bus had drawn their attention towards Melinda. "is she dead?" a little girl asked. The bus finally pulled over and Jim pulled Melinda into his arms and out onto the grass. He layd her down and got the blanket from the picnic, he put some water on it and dabbed her face with it. "do you need us to call 911?" the driver asked, who had come out to assist Jim. "no, she'll be okay, she was just too hot" jim reassured him, or more himself. "Melinda, baby wake up" he said gently. He breathed a sigh of relief when her eyes slowly fluttered open. "huh?" she looked around and had a completely confused look on her face. "w-what happened?" she asked quietly "you passed out, here, drink some water" He handed her the bottle and kept his hand over hers while she took a sip. After 5 minutes they got on the bus, people kept asking if she was okay, jim reassured them all and apoligised for the hold up.

"do you just want to go back to the hotel, you need to rest for tomorrow, and you're still really pale" jim said, worredly to MElinda. "yeah, i think we should" "sorry, I'm so so sorry about this" she said, Jim could see the tears that were about to fall. "babe, it's not your fault, okay" he kissed her and she hugged him, they stood there, locked in each others arms for about five minutes, before they went back to the hotel.

**PLEASE REVIEW! BIG stuff is happening soon! BIIGBIIGstuff! xD **


	17. you've got the love

_Sometimes i feel like throwing my hands up in the air, I know i can count on you. _

Melinda and Jim woke up at 6am to get ready, they were about 2 hours away from the park, so they had to leave early so they could get to the park early. Jim had booked them into a hotel for the night so that they didnt need to leave the park straight away. Melinda put on a short lemon dress, with a white cardi, a thin white belt and white sandals. Jim wore a white top and blue shorts that went below his knees. "ready to go?" he asked "oh you lok pretty" he added. "lets go" she smiled and kissed him. "medicine?" she said "in my bag, for sure" he said, and they left for disney land.

The bus was nice, this time there was less people, it was cooler and there was more space to breathe in it. The journey went smoothly and quickly, and soon they pulled up at the park. Before they went to the main park, they had to check into the hotel, 'hotel chayenne'. Jim thought it would be fun to stay in a themed hotel and the wild west theme was pretty cool to him. Compared to the hotel back in the city, this was nothing. The room was small, simple. A small tv, double bed, bathroom and your usual hotel appliences. They dropped their things and left as quick as they could to check out everything that they needed to.

"wow" Melinda breathed, looking at the long path, 'main street'. It led to a large pink castle, "just like in the tv adverts, yay!" she chirped. They went into a small cafe and grabbed a coffee and a cake, before touring the park. "its even more amazing than I imagined" Melinda said, happily.

"okay, so what do you want to do first?" jim asked "uhh...I dont know..OH! see minney mouse! we need to search for minney mouse!" she chirped. "okok" he laughed. After searching for ten minutes, they found a crowd of children surrounding minney "well, that didnt take long" Jim said, relieved. After getting a photo and an autograph, they walked around the park for a while, checking out rides and attrations. Melinda couldnt go on any of the fast rides, which was to her dismay, she loved fast ones the most. So they did the smaller ones, and visited most of the characters they could find. After buying a T-shirt with Tinkerbell on it, Jim and Melinda decided to wait in a queue for a ride that they heard was really good, though not too fast.

"you sure you're okay waiting for 45 minutes?" jim asked, the weather was beyond hot and he didnt want to take any chances. "i will be fine" melinda insisted. They hadn't been waiting long, twenty minutes maybe when Melinda begun to feel dizzy. They were trapped though, people were behind them, people in front, a wall on either side. "Jim, we need to get out of here, I feel like Im going to pass out again" Melinda whispered shakily. "can you hold onn for another like 10 minutes, then we will be at an open bit that we can get out of easily?" he said "n-no, I think I'm gonna be sick" she mumbled. Her skin went a deathly shade of white and she started to sway. Jim held onto her as tight as he could. Her stomach was doing flips. "ugh" she breathed, before being sick all over Jims Top. "babe" he said, she couldnt keep her mind focused anymore and went limp. He tried to hold her up, but it was no use, she fell to the ground. Jim heard someone shouting for help, and saying that the first aiders were coming. Melindas face was shining in the sun with the sweat that was covering her. She was so pale, she almost looked...dead. "god, baby, can you hear me? Can you wake up, please, Melinda" he shouted, tapping her face slightly, she didnt respond. Instead, her body started to tremble, Jim tried his best to stay calm, but the panick was overpowering.

_Sometimes i feel like saying, 'lord I just dont care' _

The queue cleared to give the first aiders room to help her. "has this ever happened before?" the man asked "uh...yeah, she um...shes sick", the man took out his radio and called for a stretcher and another helper. Soon, they were carrying Melinda to the First aid office. She still hadn't woke up and she still looked scarily pale. "okay, I think she needs to get to a hospital, we have called for an ambulance, don't worry sir, she will be okay" he said. Jim nodded his head and sighed. "baby, can you hear me...we're gonna get you help, kay?" he said, holding her hand.

After the ambulance took them to the hospital and Jim had waited for a torturous 20 minutes to see how Melinda was, they finally called him into her room, where she had finally woke up and seemed to be regaining some colour. "hey babe, god, i was so worried, how are you feleing?" he asked, hugging her straight away. "what actually happened?" her voice was still small and shaky. "you passed out, had a seizure, you're gonna be ok".

The doctor came in and smiled "Melinda is okay, she just needs to stay here over night and you can go back to the hotel tomorrow" he said. Jim nodded, but he was confused, she wasn't _fine. _"I'm so so sorry I ruined our day out, i feel terrible an-" "hey, you didn't mean to get sick honey, it's okay" he said "i think you should get some rest, you need to feel better so we can do something tomorrow" he said, kissing her softly and letting her fall asleep rather quickly.

_but you've got the love i need to see me through. _

Two days later, Melinda was laying in the bed in the hotel with a spiking high fever. Jim was worried sick, if she was fine then why was she so weak again, it just didnt make sence. She was asleep and he was on the phone with the doc back home.

"I dont know if im just being paranoid, but she really doesnt seem fine, she seems really ill" he said, "well, has she been taking meds?" "yeah, all of them, shes getting sicker, not better" "okay, I think you need to take her home before she gets too sick to fly, can that be done?" "yeah, Ill phone the airport soon" "okay, take her here straight away when you get home, Jim. okay" "okay then, seeyou and thanks" he said. "bye Jim" she said.

Jim sighed and hung up the phone then went to Melindas side. He took one look at her and felt just sick to the stomach. His once so bubbly and healthy wife was wearing away right infront of him. He wanted to take all the pain away, he wanted it so badly, but he knew that he couldnt. He knew he just had to help her as much as he could, even if he knew that wasnt good enough.

***

After calling the airport, and booking two flights for the next day, he woke Melinda up to tell her they were going home.

"sorry" was all she said. To her it was _her _fault. no one elses. It was _her _fault that she was sick. _her _fault that Jim was so upset. _her _fault that their lives were in her mind, ruined.

***

They flew home and went straight to the hospital, which Melinda wanted to skip. She was tired and sick, she just wanted to go home and sleep. They arranged to meet the next day so that Melinda could get some tests done and she could get proper medical attention.

That night, Melinda wrote in her diary.

_Dear diary, _

_life is so hard sometimes. I thought that by now i'd get used to the fact that life isnt actually just love, happiness, all good. Sometimes life is hard. But the thing is, it still terrifies me equally as much. I dont know what to say to Jim these days, the reason for this is that I feel like...nothing is going to beat this, I feel like im really losing this battle. I mean, this time last year, i was planning my life with Jim, saying to him that we didnt need to try for a baby, because we had __**plenty of time left. **__Funny that, one minute i had my whole life in front of me, now i have my whole life behind me. I dont see any point in planning for the future, for when things get better, because if they dont...i would be crushed. Well. The holiday to paris wasnt quite what we expected. We had to come home early, i got sick. ruined the holiday. now im getting tests done....and i dont want to know the results, i cant know...im really scared. :( xmel. _

_**HERE i go again with the short chaptersss. SORRY! im super busy with exam shit so yeah i kinda try my best, you knw. TRUST ME, when im back on my feet, chaps will be super long and sad...etc. xPLEASE REVIEW, IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME...SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE xox-reagan**_


	18. another visit

Melinda closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "it wont hurt, maybe a little nip" the nurse said, getting the needle ready. It wasnt getting hurt she was afraid of. It was just a general fear, she knew that she wasnt just getting bloods done for nothing. She tried to imagine it was nothing but she just couldnt. She knew this could be serious. "Mel, you okay?" Jim asked, squeezing her hand. She opened her eyed and nodded. He kissed her head and let the nurse finish off with the tests before pulling her into a tight hug. "everything will be okay", he took her hands and kissed her lips.

_Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough_

_And things go wrong no matter what I do_

_Now and then it seems that life is just too much_

_But you've got the love I need to see me through_

_When food is gone you are my daily meal_

_When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real_

_Your love is real_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

After they arrived home from the hospital, Melinda poured herself a bath and Jim started to cook up a meal. Melinda lay in the warm bubble bath and closed her eyes. Her mond drifted off and she found herself somewhere new.

_She was laying in a big bed in the middle of a plain white room. The room had no doors or windows. Everything was just plain white. She was wearing a hospital gown and her hair was curly and messy. She got up from the bed and walked around the room. It was quite bit, yet she still felt claustrophobic. She heard someone behind her and turned around quickly. She was faced with a young girl with bright copper hair...wait, she knew her, she recognised this girls hair. "H-have I saw you before?" Melinda asked her. "yes, remember I'm gracie, i was sent here to help you...yo guide you" she said in a sweet voice. "why do I need help? Is something going to happen?" she asked, confused. The young girl looked down to her feet and took a deep breath. "they told me I am not allowed to tell you, that I can only let you know a little pice of information, or you would be cheating life" she said quetly "tell me everything, please I am begging you" Melinda said tearfully. "I-I cant, melinda all I can say is cherish every moment you have, dont live like its nearly ending, dont waste a minute...when the time comes you will know what I'm talking about, and I want you to hold onto this advice, USE it" she said, "bu-", MElinda stopped when the girl dissapeared, and she was back in the bathroom._

Melindas lip trembled as she thought about what the girl said. _What if she means that I'm going to die? I'm too young to leave. I cant leave Jim alone. _Melinda went to sit up from the bath, but her limbs were numb, she felt like she was tied fown to the bath. She started to panick and shake

"Jim!" she shouted "Ji-Jim" her voice was getting weaker and her head begun to ache. "Jim...help" she said weakly. Her vision was swimming and soon, Jim came bounding into the bathroom. "mel?". Suddenly she fell under the water. Jim ran over to her and picked her out of the water, laying her on the floor. "Mel, Melinda? Can you hear me?" He pressed two fingers on her neck and let out a sigh of relief when he found a pulse. He was about to pick her up and take her to the bedroom when her body started to tremble. "no, no, not again" jim said. He waited till she was still and lifted her up. He lay her on the bed and pulled out a towel, placing it around her and drying her up before slipping a tshirt over her head.

"wake up babe" he whispered, shakingher a little. A couple of seconds later she slowly stirred and opened her eyes. She looked confused. "Hey, You're okay, everything is fine" he soothed, "w-what?" she mumbled, Jim kissed her softly and brushed her hair away from her face. "you're okay" he repeated.

He layd down on the bed next to her and took her into his arms. A couple of minutes later, he flet melinda trmbling, he could hear her sobbing. He sat up and looked into her teared up eyes. "what's wrong baby?" he asked. "I-I dont know" she whispered. Jim hugged her closer...and for that little moment, just a split second, Melinda forgot every worry that was in her head, she foregot all the pain and sorrow, all she felt was love, happiness. Jim.

_Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"_

_Time after time I think it's just no good_

_Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose_

_But you got the love I need to see me through_

Melinda moved in closer and closed her eyes, she breathed in the scent of Jims T-shirt and found comfort in the familiar smell. _I'll miss this. These little moments that we share, these little times we share, the moments that seem so small yet mean everything. _She used every bit of strength she had to stop the tears from falling. _I can't leave him, I just __**Can't.**_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

Jim gave Melinda a tender kiss on the lips, and looked into her large hazel eyes. "everything will be okay baby" he said, kissing her again. "as long as we have each other, as long as I can hold you in my arms every day and I can hear that beautiful voice of yours every morning when you shower, everything will be okay" he repeated. Melinda looked away and found that she couldn no longer hold back the tears. _You wont be able to hold me for long. Ypu'll nevr forgime me for leaving you...I'm so sorry._ "I know" she whispered. _But, even if it isnt okay, I think that my love for Jim will make the ending an endng that I want, and ending that I deserve..._

_Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air_

_I know I can count on you_

_Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"_

_But you've got the love I need to see me through_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_You got the love_

_**You got the love**_

**I knowIknow, this was a short chapter, but the next one is all written up, it should be up on tuesday :) please review...make me smile, im begging. **


	19. for an optimist, im pretty pessimistic

_Fearless is not the absence of fear, its not being completely unafraid. to me fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. _

_**The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight  
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time  
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts  
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out**_

Jim held Melinda's hand, they arrived at Mercy General, both of their stomachs in knots, And both of their minds completely frazzled. They hadnt slept a wink, they hd barely spoke a word to each other the whole morning.

"okay, Melinda come on in" The young nurse said, leading Melinda into a room. Melinda sat by the desk, with Jim, holding his hand and squeezing it tight. "i love you" he whispered, she squeezed tighter and took a deep breath. He could feel that she was shaking, and it was making him even more nervous. "okay, Melinda we had a look at the X-rays, and the bloods...Miss Gordon, i'm so sorry, but we've found that the Tumor has spread at such a fast rate, there is nothing at this stage we can do about it, we would operate, but we dont think that it will make any difference, im so very sorry".

Jim was shocked, he was more than shocked, words couldn't really explain what he was feeling right now, he felt Melindas grip loosen, he turned around just in time to see her stand up and bolt out of the room. "uh...e-excuse me, i-i need to g-" "okay" the nurse said understandingly. Jim ran out of the room, at the fastest speed that his wobbly knees would let him. He stood outside the womans bathroom, wondering wether or not to go in, and then deciding that he had to, he needed to see Melinda. He ran inside and shouted her name, he heard a faint sobbing from one of the cubicles and sighed "Mel" he said quetly "please, help jim" she said, through her tears "unlock the door babe, im coming in" he siad, she slowly opened the door, he then saw her sitting on the floor, her knees curled tightly to her chest. "hey" he said, sitting next to her and locking the door. "babe" he said, he didnt know what to say to her, he didnt have any words, frankly, he was terrified. "its over" she whispered. he pulled her into his arms, she leaned her head on his chest.

"its not over, Melinda" he said, "it is never over" he cried "what do you mean?" she asked "you'll never leave, you'll fight, you'll get over it, babe" he said "no, Jim. No i wont, this is it, well go back in there, ill aask how long left, and we will live in fear everyday that that day will be my last" she cried "no, we wont, i cant let you think that babe i can't let you just leave me" he cried, knowing that she was right. This was the end, it was finally catching up with them -they had thought they were away, they were safe, but it was always there, and now, now it was truly coming to an end. Melinda was going to die. The only question was _When?_

"baby, I love you...I will _always _love you" he said, kissing her head. "I-I love you t-too" she whispered.

They took another five minutes beforeThey went back to the room. They took a seat and Dr Love looked at them sympatheticly, smiling soflty at Melinda who had begun to cry again, she tightened her grip on Jim's hand and took a deep breath. "ho-how long do you think that it will be before...be-before, you know" Melinda said quietly "well, by the looks of the x-rays and how far it has spread, our estimation is it could be around six months, but thats not for sure, it could be much much longer, I'm so sorry Mrs Gordon, I really am" she said, Melinda burst into heart wrenching sobbs and buried her head into Jims chest, gripping onto his T-shirt, trying to get comfort in his touch, his scent. Jim buried his head into her hair and also cried, after all, now, there was no hiding his fears, nothing could stop this feeeling that everything he had ever loved in his life was crashing down around him, and taking him with the wreck.

After this, Jim tried to get Melinda to walk with him out of the doctors office, but she couldn't. Her knees were weak from the exhaustion. He picked her up and carried her to the car, she was shaking and still crying. He sat her in the seat and they drove home, where he took her up to the room and put pyjamas on her, then lay down with her on the bed. "Melinda, I love you, I have loved you for so long now, words cant explain the feelings I have for you, maybe you think this means the end, but no matter what, it doesnt...youll always be here, in my heart, youll live on FOREVER, its scary, no, its really really terrifying, i cant tell you that I'm not scared, but I can tell you that you have been so brave, and you know i honor you so much for that Melinda, you've had doubts but they are always overcome by all the love and the hope you had, and thats whats made me notice, I didnt just fall in love with someone who could help everyone around her so much, i fell in love with the most strong, brave, happy, beautifull and perfect woman ever" he said "babe, i want you to know that there is not a moment in my liife that goes by without a thought of you in my mind, every minute i spend without you, i miss you, so much it tears me apart..i love you" he said, kissing her.

Melinda wiped a tear away from her eye. "Jim" she said "I love you". That was all she could say, all the energy was gone from her, the day had just worn her out. She moved in close to Jim, wrapped her arm around him and closed her eyes, breathing in his scent and falling asleep. Jim, however, didnt go to sleep. Instead, he watched Melinda sleep, he couldnt take his eyes off of her. She was so peacefull, so innocent and just so perfect.

_**I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain, there is healing  
In your name I find meaning  
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on  
I'm barely holdin' on to you**_

Jim finally fell asleep at around 3am, he woke up when he heard a smash in the bathroom, he looked at the alarm, it was 8am, and Melinda was no longer in the bed next to him, he jumped up and ran into the bathroom, Melinda was unconcious on the floor, there was a broken glass next to her, Jim picked her up and took her into the bedroom, laying her on the bed, and calling her name untill she came around. Jim knew this was going to happen more often, but no matter what it would still worry him the same. They had been sitting in silence for nearly 15 minutes when Melinda broke the quiet "Jim, we need to tell people" she whispered "no, we can wait" he said, tightening his grip.

"no" she softly said, "no we can't wait, we dont have the time to wait, we are telling them, today" she said, standing up and leaving the room, jim watched her leave and after, he lay down on the bed and cried.

_**The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone  
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home**_

Jim went down to the living room, where he saw Melinda sitting on the window bench, looking out at the pouring rain. He took a seat next to her and took her hand. "the rain is so pretty, i never noticed that before. I guess i never really cared before" she said, turning round and looking into Jim's eyes "you are so beautiful" she said, touching his cheek with her palm gently. She smiled and looked deeply into his gaze. "I-i need y-you" she whispered, leaning into his and kissing him softly, he deepened the kiss, their tongues danced, her hand sliding up and down his back, and sliding up her t-shirt. He pulled her top off, and picked her up, laying her down on the couch, he lay down next to her, and pulled her jeans off, while she took off his top, and unbuckling his belt.

***

Melinda lay rubbing her hand up and down his bare arm, looking into his eyes. "phone them now, its only 8pm" she said "mel, are you sure you are ready t-" "Jim, we have to tell them now" she said, kissing him again. "okay" he whispered, taking the phone from the table and dialling numbers, while Melinda went to get into something decent.

***

"come on in, Delia" Jim said. Delia, Eli and Beth had just arrived, after Jim called them and told them that he and Melinda had needed to descuss something with them. Jim took a seat and waited for Melinda to come down.

It didn't take long, before she appeared down the stairs wearing a pair of gray jogging bottoms and a black hooded jumper, that was so baggy, it went down to her knees. She had her bandana on, she didnt really want to make any effort in putting on the wig and styling it. She walked into the room with her head hanging low, and took a seat next to Jim. "we have to tell you something" she said, quietly. "what's wrong?!" beth asked, knowing something bad was happening. "okay" Melinda took a deep breath. She took Jim and started "well, the reason we came back from paris so early was because I wasn't feeling too good, so, i decided to just come back and check that everything was okay" she said, looking at Jim, praying for something to stop her from having to say the words that made it more real. "we went and I got some tests done, i didnt mention them, because I wasn't really all that worried" she said, her voice was starting to get shaky. "turns out I was wrong, so they found something in the scans..." she said, stopping to try and stop the tears that were about to fall. "w-what?" Beth asked, confused, though understanding in a way where it was going. "uh...uhm...t-they found that the c-cancer its....its spread, they say..I can't d-do this" Melinda cried, standing up and running out of the room.

"Jim, what's going on?" Delia asked "yeah, Jim what happened, whats happening, can they help her, can they save my mel?" she asked. Jim took a deep breath and took over for Melinda. "They can't do anything about it, that its spread too far now, they say....that she doesnt have long left, maybe months" he said, letting the tears fall down his cheeks as he spoke. Beth stood up ad went to find Melinda, while Delia cried and Eli just sat there, in shock. Jum comforted Delia, and wondered what beth was going to say to her daughter.

"Melinda" Beth said softly opening the bedroom door and gently closing it behind her. She sat at the edge of the bed and looked at melinda. She had tears rolling down her cheeks. She took her daughters hand and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "Melinda honey, look at me" she said quietly.

Melinda looked up at her with a pained expression. "Melinda, I just need to tell you something" she said looking into Melindas distant eyes. "you know that I love you, right? That when people come into the house and they see pictures of you layd out on the walls and the cabinets, I tell them everything about you about how you grew up to be a woman that i really envy, you change so many peoples lives, you make peoples lives better, you make people so happy...me, i didnt use my gift and for that it made my life a lot less amazing than yours. Mel, I am so so sorry about how I've treated you, now I want to take back all the times i made you feel crazy, take back all the lies and secrets, and I know its too late...but its not too late to change things, to make thing better between us, you are the best daughter any mother could ask for...and I'm just so so sorry that I have been such an awfull mother". Beth took a teary breath and tightened her grip on Melindas hand. Melinda sat up and took her mother into her arms. "you were never a bad mother" she whispered.

"oh god Melinda, I love you so much, im so sorry, you dont deserve this...Me, I deserve it, why couldnt I be the one, why does it have to be you...I love you so much" she cried. "I love you too M-mom" Melinda was sobbing now, tears were pouring down her cheeks. "hey, do you want to come down the stairs? have a up of tea?" she asked. Melinda shook her head and lay back down "can I just be alone?" she whispered "sure honey" she said, kissing her head and wiping away some of her tears, then left the room to go join everyone else.

"hey" Jim said when he saw Beth. "where is she?" he asked "She just wanted to be alone" she said, sitting on the couch with Delia and Eli.

They all left about 2 hours later. Jim seen them all to the door then went up to see Melinda. He cautiously opened the door, unsure of wether she still wanted to be alone. He went in quietly and looked at her. She was fast asleep, laying on top of the covers, still wearing her clothes. Jim smiled and pulled the covers over her, he kissed her on the head and lay next to her.

The next day Melinda lay in bed and pulled out her diary before Jim left. She counted all the pages that were left, 113. "I will fill every bit of this diary up" she said determandly. She picked up her pen and started to write.

_Dear diary,_

_For every day that I have left, I will fill up another page of this diary, its my aim to fill it up to the top. Things have reached the hardest that they can. Yesterday I found out that Maybe all the optimism that I've had through all this was worth nothing. Well there is no maybe about it. Yesteray I found out that the tumor has grew and now there is nothing they can do about it. Nothing at all. So now its just waiting game. Waiting on death, waiting for the end. I have always wondered what death feels like, what its like to not be the Ghost Whisperer, but to be the Ghost itself. I mean, is it as hard as life? Is it lonely? What is it like beyond that light? Because having a fear of something you are aware of is much better than having a fear of the unknown, and I do...I have a fear of going into that light not knowing what will be there. I don't want to go in and find out that I have been lying to all these spirits all these years. I mean, Is there really love there? Joy? Is it like heaven? Can I pick the way I want it to be, like when I read the book 'The lovely bones', she may not have been in heaven, but where she was sometimes was an amazing place, she changed it with every wish and dream she had, everything was something that she loved...Is that What the lights like? I sure hope so, I dont want to be disappointed, nor do I want to find out that Ive disappointed alot of people my whole life. With my gift I send people out into the unknown every day, yet...I am scared to experience it myself. And another thing is Jim...will he cope, will he move on and become a doctor, become a husband again, a father like he always wanted? would he find they love and Joy that I felt every single day with him? I hope so, I dont want him to feel like I'm gone and thats that, I want to have left something with him, something he can carry with him for the many years to come...I dont know how many days I have woke up and thought 'I'm so lucky to be with him'...I was, I didn't take one moment with Jim for granted, he Is everything to me, and when I'm gone...I hope that everything will be okay for him. Im scared of dying. But I know that its my time, ill take it, ill go into the light and I'll watch from above as I see every passing moment for the people who i love. Anyway, Im going to go for lunch with Jim today...lots of kisses, Melindaxoxoxox_

Melinda put the diary down and smiled. _112 left. _She stood up and got ready for a day out with Jim, they were going a walk in the square then for lunch and a movie. Both of them knew they needed to make every day she had left count. Which meant going out every day, being with each other every day...being in love every single second.

**A/N: Okay, its not exactly like You can beat this...so yeahh lol....hope you like it though. **

**IMPORTANT**

_**Okay, so you may have noticed it was longer than normal, this is because its about 2 weeks till I do my Higher Exams, so I have a lot of studying to do, which means no new chapter for a couple of weeks, I really cant write when my brain is so busy hahaha :) I hope you all still read my story regardless of this gap :)x3**_

**Okay I just want to take the time to say a big huge thank you to Lolly (Jim Clancys Lollipop) basically, for reviewing like every single one of my stories, and not just that but the reviews are always super. Also thanks for just being there to talk to all the time and just being an awesome person all in all! i actuallly cant thank you enough!:)**

**xo'Pay'ox **


	20. imagine

**lack of updates lately, i'm sorry :( i wasnt in the mood tonight to write at all, but i was layin in bed listenin to someone called jack johnstone, his cover of imagine and it just got me inspired to write on this story. And, i just wanted to say that my story 'the voice within' is on hold, not only beause pf lack of reviews but also because i just dont wanna write on that story atm, much love, reagan xo **

_Imagine there's no Heaven  
It's easy if you try  
No hell below us  
Above us only sky  
Imagine all the people  
Living for today_

Melinda and Jim had been laying in silence for a while, staring into each others eyes, enjoying each others presence. Melinda had been released from the hospital that day after having a really bad seizure at work. She had spent the majority of the day crying, but Jim had managed to crack a smile on her blank face. She had been starting to feel really depressed, she was trying to hide it from Jim, but she couldnt pretend to be fine when really she was crumbling. She knew she didn't need to pretend for him, but she hated to see him worry.

"how you feeling?" Jim asked, breaking the blissful silence "okay, I guess" she whispered. "you want to try and eat something?" he asked, knowing that she hadnt ate anything at all since she had got out of hospital. "i'll try" se said, just trying to ease his worry a little. "i'll fix you up some soup, okay" he said, kissing her head and leaving her alone. She pulled out her diary.

_dear diary. _

_This is so unfair, why cant everything be the way it used to be? why cant i get my life back...id do anything...anything to change the way its turned out. _

_Mel _

She closed the diary over and sleep suddenly washed over her, she found herself somewhere else.

_She was sittng down in her living room alone. She looked around it seemed different. There were no pictures of her and Jim where there had been before, there were just pictures of Jim and another woman. Then there was pictures of a little girl, hair bright blonde and vibrant blue eyes like Jims, her hair was tied up in bunchies, curles at the end of them, she had the biggest smile on her face ever seen. She looked around and on the wall was a picture of Melinda and Jim, smiling, laughing like they were at the highest point in her life. Suddenly MElinda was not so alone, grace appeared. "you knew" Melinda whispered. "I'm sorry, but i wasn't allowed to tell you" she said, she stood up and walked to the window, looking outside "you remember what i said to you?" she asked "yeah, i remember, i will keep it close, i promise"Melinda said "i'm so sorry, if i could, id do anything to help you...but its your time, we have the ability to help, to heal, but only when I have the choice to, I cant heal just anyone, only if its not their time...sadly, it is" she said. Melinda smiled and nodded her head "thats okay". _

She opened her eyes and it was morning, the sun was warm and glowing through a gap in the curtains. Melinda blinked tiredly and tried to sit up, only to find that she was just too tired to do so. Yet, when she closed her eyes, she couldn't doze off. She turned around to find Jim sleeping soundly next to her. Glancing at the clock, she sighed. It was only 5:45am. She just lay there and stared at the ceiling, thoughts streaming through her mind, memories of her and Jim. Their love and joy.

She clenched her teeth and thought _why?whywhywhywhywhy?_ She had asked herself this question so many times, but she had never seemed to find the answer. She knew she would never find the aswer, but yet, she just kept asking. WHY.

After an hour, she finally managed to muster up the energy to get up and go to the bathroom, then she got dressed. A black dress with a pattern of daisys on it, it went to her knees and was brought together with a black waist belt (**photo on profile, nicer than it sounds**) She curled her wig and put it on then a little bit of make up to finish her look. By now, Jim was awake, looking at his wifes incredible beauty.

**SORRYSORRRY cba writing more xD soo here is all yah get :) **


	21. learning to fall

**LOL okayokay. im tired and in the middle of studying which is why i put the wrong chap up majorr redfaced EEK :L:L sorry peeps :L lets hope i dont make the same mistake twice?:L**

Melinda stood at the shop, looking around, smiling, every item was beautiful, every item held a story, it's own unique story that went back for years and years. She didn't exactly fully know what it was about antiques that had intrested her so much...but she just simply loved being around them, their smell, the way they looked.

She picked up a small jewellery box and wrapped it up in some tissue paper, placing it in a gift bag and handing it to a costomer. The shop was full, people were on a shopping overload today, but Melinda wasn't complaining, she hadn't been to the store in ages and she was missing it.

Delia came through the door and was surprised to see Melinda standing at the desk. "mel!" she said and gave her a hug "i figured that i was well enough to come in" she said and smiled "it's great to see you here". "well, i'm buying coffe, what do you want?" Melinda asked, picking up her bag "uh, just a latte, thanks", Melinda headed out across the square to village java.

**2 weeks later. (diary entries from now on) **

Melinda was in her bed, it was late and she had worked at the store for the full day. She pulled out her diary and begun to write.

_Dear diary Sunday_

_I'm pretty much over the stage of being scared to be honest. I'm just gratefull for everything tht I have :) especially Jim. I don't want him to think that im terrified...okay, i admit it, there is some fear left, but now it's not a fear of being gone, because i know what will happen, i know i will be somewhere great, it's a fear that Jim won't move on, i really don't want him to wollow in it, i want him to grieve, then move on...have a life because all i want is for him to be happy again. So im glad i've been back at the store lately, i've not been feeling a hundred percent but i just want to make the most out of the time i have left. I'm not counting, when it happens, ill understand that it is time...but i dont believe i should be counting down the days i have left with the things i love the most. Anyway, im gonna get some sleep and then i have work tomorrow till about 3pm, after it Jim says he has a surprise :) xMelx_

_Dear Diary wednesday _

_Dear diary_

_So much for feeling okay, as soon as I closed over the diary, BAM i was hit with the worst headache i've had yet, my temperature hit sky high and i just felt awfull, jim took me to the hospital and they said i would have to stay for a week, so i got delia to pack me up some things including this, so i could just get some feelings off my chest. Jim was so scared, i think he thought that...uh, i don't know what to do, the look on his eyes, it was so painful to see :( I wish there was something i could say to make him feel a little better, but there isn't. Melx_

_Dear diary saturday_

_I'm just home from the hospital, had a nice chat with Jim and i think it reassured him that everything will work out okay :) i think it lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders, too. I keep asking him if i can go to work today, but hes reluctant that i'm staying in bed lol. Oh well, more time with Jim i guess and i cant complain about that...ps, did i mention that he just stepped out of the shower, water is dripping down his perfect torso and his hair is messy and omg i'm drooliing, i think i gotta go, mel x _

_**A month later**_

_Dear diary tuesday_

_i think i need to stop saying dear diary, i feel like a 14 year old...ima figure something new out lol. anyway, i'm back at the store and feeling much better, i crossed 2 ghosts over today, which is awesome, i must say :) anyway, i'm gonna get ready and go meet Jim at the cinema, we're going to see Dear john...after a lot of persuasion on my side :P x Mel x _

**SORRY for the short chapter AGAIN :( i want to do another 2 chaps coz i feel like its such a short story ;[x reaganx**


	22. never say goodbye, say i love you

**A/n: this is it peeps, this big one :) I actully wasnt gona upload this now, but i actually cant wait to see what you guys think about it :L:L so, i'm uploadin it now...cant wait any longer :L Please listen to Eva cassidy - songbird, please :) x**

_'never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means letting go and letting go means forgetting' - peter pan _

_**4 months later **_

_dear diary _

_had a good week in london, it was sweet. I just got dressed, jim is takin me to the beach :) a little white sundress and flipflops :) i feel kinda ill today, ive been collapsing a lot more and it is getting me down, so jim has been spoiling me :) i LOVE jim. ALWAYS will xxMelxx _

Melinda smiled warmly, a tear trickled down her pale cheek. "you did this for me". Jim nodded his head. "I just wanted to show you just how much I love you...and that is alot" he said. Melinda took a teary breath. "I love you too, I'd give anything to change this...anything". Jim wiped her tear away with his thumb. "c'mon, lets get this done" he said, leading her down the sandy beach to the crowd of family and friends, waiting to witness this event. The sun was high in the sky, bright and warm, reflecting off of the sparkling blue sea. The sand was warm and golden, by the chairs of people, there was little red rose petals leading in a straight line down to an arch, with flowers tied all around it.

"we are all here to witness Melinda Gordon and Jim Clancy renew their vows, to show that in all times, hard or easy, love overpowers everything else, fear, sadness. We are here to see what true love is". Melinda and Jim faced each other, looking into each others eyes. Jim was always amazed at Melindas beauty, how her eyes sparkled in the warm glow of the sun. He took her hand with one hand and with the other he cupped her cheek. It was warm, as it had been for a while, feverish. But he knew that would happen, it reminded him of what was really happening, yet, he didnt take his hand away from her soft skin. "Mel, I was planning on using today to tell you...how much I'm going to miss how, how i cant stand the thought of living without you, and to tell you the truth, i know that I cant stand that thought, of not waking up to you, being in the bed next to me, having your arms wrapped around me, feeling safe every moment i'm with you. But I want to use this day to thank you, for every moment that we spent in each others presence, be it when we are just in the same room, not saying a word to each other, not looking at each other, even them moments counted so much, Thanks for making me feel so loved, for teaching me things I never knew, for teaching me things about myself, for making me realise how much every moment counts. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life, you are the light to my darkness, i love you so much, i thank you so much" he said, he gave her a kiss on the head and she started to cry softly.

"Jim..I-I don't even know what to say...you make me feel that way, like words can't come to describe how i love you...it's funny, you'd think that after being with someone for so long, id be able to think straight when you kiss me, that my knees wouldn't go weak and my heart wouldnt beat ten times faster when you walk into a room, but you still give me that affect. You still give me butterflies and make me fumble for words. I guess I love that about you, I love everything about you, the way you worry, the way you smile, the way you hold me, kiss me. I can't imagine how my life would be if you weren't in it, i'd be a mess, empty, but i'm not, im full of love, joy and...-" Melinda was cut off with a wave of dizziness, she swayed slighly and looked up at jim, "sorry" she whispered, before her knees went weak, she started to fall but Jim cought her, lowering her to the ground. Jim leaned over her, feeling for a pulse, listening for her breath...nothing. "she's not breathing...she's not breathing" he mumbled frantically "call 911, she's not breathing!" he shouted. He started to do chest compressions "no, not now, not now honey, please not now" he begged, pumping her chest. he could hear Delia on the phone, frantically giving information to the operator.

When the paramedics arrived on the scene, Melinda still wasn't breathing. Jim was fractic, trying to revive her, he had tears rolling down his cheeks. Everyone was standing around, watching helplessly as Jim tried to save her for just a little bit longer. The EMTs ran over to her and got to work straight away, it didnt take long before she was in the back of the ambulance and they were speeding to the hospital. While the paramedics tried to get her breathing, jim wouldnt let go of her hand, her cold, pale hand. Suddenly he heard something that cused relief to wash over him. A cough. "we have a pulse" the paramedic said, pulling an oxygen mask over her mouth. Jim looked at her, she was still pale, her eyes were closed...but she was breathing, she was alive. "Mrs Gordon, can you hear me?" the medic said, shining a penlight in her eye "come on, wake up" he said. She didn't respond.

They rushed her through the hospital doors and into a room. Jim was left out in the corridor, and soon everyone arrived. "I-is she okay?" Beth asked, running over to him "I-i dont know, they took her in there 20 minutes ago, I couldn't go in". Beth pulled him into a hug and Delia sat down with her face in her palms. Another 5 minutes passed. Then another. And another...30 minutes passed, an hour passed. "where the hell is a doctor, What the hell is going on?" Jim said loudly.

Not even 3 minutes passed before finally a doctor came out of the room holding a chart. She walked over to them and gestured for Jim to sit down. He took a seat and she sat next to him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Dr Palmer I-is she okay?" he asked. She smiled softly and took a deep breath "Melindas body is weak and tired, her white blood cell count is incredibly low, she has major infections in 3 areas, we don't know how long she can hold on before all of her organs give up completely..we don't think she will make it through the night, i'm very sorry" she said sadly. Jim took a shaky breath and nodded. He didnt want to accept it, he wanted to hit the doctor for saying the words, he wanted to run to Melinda and lift her out of the hospital...because only sick people stay in hospitals...he wanted to go back in time and stop any of this from ever happening. But he couldnt do any of that, he had to take it in, keep it in and let the excruciating pain stay there...he couldn't show how he was feeling, he had to stay strong...he _had _to.

He wanted to say something, anything, but words couldnt escape his clenched teeth. Instead he just continued to nod and nod, trying to wrap his head around it. "Jim, are you okay?" Delia asked, settling a hand on is shoulder. He nodded still. "will we take you to see her?" she asked.

He couldnt face her in this state, seeing her so weak and fragile would surely make him break in half. He shook his head delicately "are you sure?" she asked, surprised. He nodded his head and looked down at the floor. He stood up and Took a deep breath "i do" he whispered shakily "I wanna see her".

He walked slowly behind the doctor into the small room. The plane white walls, floor, sheets, curtains. It made him sick to know that this could be the last place Melinda would see. Then, he looked at her. Even at her sickest, skin so pale and clammy, a plain pink hospital gown, tubes everwhere...she still seemed to be the most beautiful thing in the world, she WAS the most beautiful and amazing thing to ever happen to him. "baby" he whispered in shock. "hey", her voice was so weak and raspy. He stroked her head with his huge hand, "how do you feel?" he asked "tired, i guess". Jim took a teary breath "lay with me" she said, moving over a little and pulling the covers back. Jim lay with her and took her into his arms, "I-I love y-you" he cried, he couldn't hold it back any longer. "i know you do, I love you too..so so so much".

Melinda took a deep breath and smiled "I want to go home" she whispered. "baby you can't go home, its...you need to be cared for here" he said. Melinda shook her head. "baby, it's too late to be cared for, I need _you_ to be with me, i don't want to be here, i want to be at home, with you...just you". Jim smiled and wiped away his tears "okay".

He went away to find a nurse so he could sort everything out, it didn't take long before he came back with the forms. Dr palmer came with him and sat down next to Melinda. "are you sure you wanna go home?" she asked, Melinda nodded "well, we see a lot of people with the same choice, we can't stop you but we are asked to at least try and talk you out of it" she said. Melinda smiled "I just...i want to be in a familiar place, you know?" she nodded gently "okay, well that is okay Melinda" she said, she gave Melinda a soft hug and left the room.

Melinda had really gotten into Dr palmers heart, her strength and belief had inspired doctor palmer so much, she loved how, even when times were hard, Melinda had managed to smile. She loved how she never took anything for granted, nothing at all. She was sure that once gone, Melinda would stay in her heart for a very long time, if not forever.

Jim and Melinda signed the forms and soon Melinda was loaded into an ambulance to take her home.

Jim set up the bed so that it was comfortable for her, he got all her meds lined up and he helped her up to the room. "music?" he asked. Melinda simply nodded and pointed to her Eva Cassidy CD. He put it in and pressed play, then turned it down to a low, relaxing level.

Dr palmer had explained to Jim how Melinda would become more and more tired, that she wouldnt be in pain. She would just simply fall asleep.

Jim lay down next to her and it suddenly hit him. This was it. This was the last time he was going to be in the bed with her, holding her in his arms, listening to her breathing in and out softly. This was the last time he could breathe in her sweet scent while he kissed her softly, the last time he would let his fingers lace with his. It would be the last time he would see her brilliant white teeth when she smiled, hear her bright, cheery laugh. This was it.

Melinda wasn't scared. she had been for so long, but now, she was ready. "are you comfy?" he asked. "yeah" she said quietly. Jim pulled himself in closer and kissed her on the lips softly. "mm" she mumbled. "can I have a glass of water?" she asked quietly. Jim quickly got her a glass and handed it to her. He took a teary breath when he realised she was too weak to hold the glass in her shaking hands. He held it up to her lips and she took a sip then coughed gruffly. Jim rubbed her back "you're okay" he said. Melinda nodded. "Jim, can I ask you something?", Jim laid down next to her and nodded "sure". Melinda took a shaky breath "will you promise me that you will never ever forget me" she asked. Jim shook his head. "no, you know i won't i will never ever ever forget, i promise, i will _never_ ev-" he burst into tears, sobbing loudly, his chest felt like it was going to cave in as it went up and down with his sobbs. Melinda hugged him and breathed softly, then, begun to cry herself.

"you made my life complete, you gave me everything i ever wanted...you accepted me, loved me, made me feel like a person and not a freak, Jim you gave me everything i needed to make my life worth it" she cried. "i want you to move on, find new love and be happy" she said quietly. "babe, i dont know if i can ever find love like I had with you, i know i can't". Melinda shook her head. "you say that now, but i know you will, you have such a big heart, honey the girls will be lining up for you" she laughed softly. Jim smiled "bu-". Melinda nodded her head and put her finger to his lips then kissed him. She lay her head on his chest and listened to the music as the soft piano and voice of Eva cassidy filled her ears.

_For you there'll be __**no crying **__  
For you __**the sun will be shining  
**__'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
__**It's alright**__, I know it's right_

And the _**songbirds keep singing  
**__Like they know the score  
__**And I love you, I love you, I love you  
Like never before **_

Melinda started to sking along softly, jim listened to her weak, yet, beautiful voice.

_to you, I would give the world  
To you, I'd never be cold  
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
It's alright, I know it's right_

And the songbirds keep singing  
Like they know the score  
_**And I love you, I love you, I love you  
Like never before **___

Like never before; like never before. 

Tears streamed down his cheeks. "you're an amazing singer" he said and smiled. She laughed "no I-I'm not", she started to cough and Jim rubbed her back. "you're okay" he said, she took a deep raspy breath and nodded. "i'm getting tired" she whispered. Jim sighed quietly. He wanted to _beg _her to stay awake, _beg _her not to leave him, _beg _her to try harder, fight harder. But he knew that wouldn't be right, he knew it was time and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. "okay honey" he whispered, pulling covers over her "are you warm?" he asked "no, I'm a little cold" she whispered, her teeth chattering. "okay, let me get some more blankets" he said, going to the linen closet and pulling out a few blankets and laid them over her. "better?" he asked "a little, thanks" she whispered. He lay down next to her and put his arm around her, stroking her arm lightly and breathin in her scent for the last time. "I love you Jim, thanks for everything you have done for me" she said. Jim smiled through tears.

"will you be here when I wa...wake up?" Melindas voice was weak "yeah, baby, I'll be right here" he tightened his grip on her hand and she gave a weak smile. "love you" she mumbled, drifting off to sleep. "i love you too" he cried. He listened to her breathing in and out, her soft thrumming heart. He stared at the smiled on her face, it didn't move, didn't faulter.

_"and i love you i love you i love you like never before._

Melinda never woke up, the last breath she took was at 1am. Jim cried endlessly till the umbulance came and took her away. He was left in the driveway as the ambulance disappeared down the street.

Melinda was gone.

_"like never before"_

**Wellll: there is like a few chapters left of this story, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, its been awesome to write xx **


	23. My heart beats for love

**A/N: eh, can i just ask kindly for people to go check out my new chapter of The Voice Within, i updated ages ago, but no one reviewed and it's kinda upsetting, I have no motivation to update and getting reviews normally pushes me to write anyway. **

**PLEASE go and listen to Miley cyrus new song - my heart beats for love, it inspired me to write this chappie x **

**This chapter is in Jim's point of view. PLEASE review...;[**

**xox**

_I've been traveling on a lonely street  
Got lost in the shadows  
Fell hard in the battle  
The choirs and the suffering  
I walked through the darkness  
Left broken and heartless_

The treturous rain fell against my cold bare arms. The grass below my knees was muddy and wet and my hands were shaking against the freezing wind. My tears were falling and mixing in with the raindrops all over my face. "why did you have to leave me?" i cried, although i knew that it was wrong to ask this question, i had told her that it was time...that it was nothing to be scared of. But the truth was, i was left to fight this battle alone. I closed my eyes and ran my hand aross the words embedded on the cold marble stone. I felt the pain burning in my chest. _Gone too soon. Beloved Wife, daughter. _The words felt empty, i should have wrote something different, something more meaningfull. Something about the way her eyes sparkled when her smile as wide as the sunset on a clear early morning was, her sleek, silky hair, the way it fell down her soft skin of her shoulders and the loose curls flew around in the wind. I wanted to write on that stone the way she made me feel when her arms wrapped around me, protecting my from any battle that came my way, the same way i did for her. I wanted to write about her voice, her sweet and innocent voice, when she was in the shower it echoed through the whole house. I'd always stop what i was doing and listen to her.

_I'm calling out, can you hear my voice?  
I'm gonna follow you through all the noise_

The funeral was so hard. I managed to somehow pluck the energy up to go there, to face the sorry faces of family and friends. They all told me how amazing Melinda was, how she touched their lives in so many different ways. I knew that, i didn't need them to tell me that...I didn't want to hear empty apoligies, i just wanted..._Melinda. _

I replaced the wet broken flowers with a new rose, knowing that it would just end up dying before the next time i'd come over.

I stood up and ran my hand along the marble again, "i'll be back soon honey" i whispered. I wondered if she was around, watching over me...or if she'd crossed over. I hoped, for my own selfish reasons that she was here, just so that i could feel her around me. But, i didn't know, if she was, she was keeping her distance. _  
_

I hated going home alone, i hated being in that place alone, looking at all the things around the house that reminded me of her. _Everything _reminded me of her.

Tears streamed down my cheeks as i walked through the door, the first thing i saw was a picture of She and I on a cruise. I picked the frame up and held it tight in my hand as if it could provide some comfort, i stared deeply into Melinda's eyes and sighed when a tear fell and landed on the picture. Suddenly i was filled with pure rage, as hard as my arm would let me, i flung the frame so hard it smashed into a hundred pieces, glass falling on the floor. I fell to my knees and cried into my hands.

_My heart beats for love  
My heart beats for love  
It's the sound that I hear, tells me not to give up  
It breathes in my chest and  
It runs through my blood  
My heart beats for love  
My heart beats for love_

There was a knock at the door. I wanted to ignore it, but i knew it would be Delia with something to eat for me. I wanted to look like i could handle this, i knew i wasn't the only one who had lost, there was other people in pain and it was wrong for me to shut them out when i knew that somehow theyd be able to help me and hopefully id be able to help them too.

I opened the door, to see a very stressed out Delia standing with a tub of soup "hey" she whispered, hugging me tight "you're soaked, what happened?" she asked "i went to the cemetry". She came in and I closed the door behind her, "so...you okay?" i asked "Jim, stop hiding how you feel, stop asking everyone else around you how they are and ignoring your feelings, it's okay to feel...you need to grieve". She sat down on the couch and i walked behind her and sat down on the seat opposite "I-...m'fine" i lied. "Jim, c'mon" she pushed. "oh god Delia, i can't take it anymore, waking up without her next to me, without her arm wrapped around me, without being able to kiss her and hold her...i hate this, i cant do this without her...why does it need to be so hard...why do i have to do this alone" i cried "you're not alone, honey. We are here for you, we are all here for you and you can come to us, don't be afraid to come to us" "but, i'm so alone without her, i just want her back...i _need _her back".

I closed my eyes and sighed, "sorry" i whispered "no need to be sorry" she said "Jim, i found something the other day in my bag, i didn;t want to show it to you just yet, but i feel like i need to" he said "what" i asked. She handed over an old tattered book, on the front it said "Melinda's diary". I ran my hand along the front and let my tears fall onto it. I knew i couldnt read it just yet, it was jsut one more thing to remind me of her.

_And I've been told at least a thousand times  
It's not worth the struggle, the hurt or the trouble  
I keep running up to these front lights  
No I won't surrender  
I'll wait here forever_

I took a deep breath, maybe it wouold be better if i did read it, maybe it would heal some of the pain in my heart. The pages were old, and worn. The first few pages were old, from when she was younger.

I flicked through the pages and just cought some of the things it said.

_'I __**hate **__my life.'_

_'Im praying, praying so hard that i can get through this, because I can't leave Jim alone, I cant lose all i have right now'_

_'Jim Clancy. He is the most amazing thing thats ever happened to me, he makes me smile at the most impossible of times, he holds me so tight when i'm feeling down, he makes me feel like more than just 'the girl who talks to the dead'. He makes me feel loved, and special. Hes so amazing. I dont even know how to sum him up to be honest.'_

_'life is so hard sometimes. I thought that by now i'd get used to the fact that life isnt actually just love, happiness, all good. Sometimes life is hard. But the thing is, it still terrifies me equally as much. I dont know what to say to Jim these days, the reason for this is that I feel like...nothing is going to beat this, I feel like im really losing this battle. I mean, this time last year, i was planning my life with Jim, saying to him that we didnt need to try for a baby, because we had __**plenty of time left. **__Funny that, one minute i had my whole life in front of me, now i have my whole life behind me. I dont see any point in planning for the future, for when things get better, because if they dont...i would be crushed. Well. The holiday to paris wasnt quite what we expected. We had to come home early, i got sick. ruined the holiday. now im getting tests done...and i dont want to know the results, i cant know...im really scared'_

_'dont know how many days I have woke up and thought 'I'm so lucky to be with him'...I was, I didn't take one moment with Jim for granted, he Is everything to me, and when I'm gone...I hope that everything will be okay for him. Im scared of dying. But I know that its my time, ill take it, ill go into the light and I'll watch from above as I see every passing moment for the people who i love.'_

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I dropped the diary down, it was far too painfull to read. "i loved you so much Melinda, i can't believe that it got the best of you, i thought...i really thought you'd beat it...i LOVE you and i miss you so much it hurts like hell". Delia took my hand "i know that she knows that".

"Melinda please show me if you're hear, please...can you hear me?".

_I'm not to cross this battle field  
I'm screaming out, can you hear me now?  
I'm holding on, I stand my ground  
__**I'm screaming out, can you hear me now?**_

**PLEASE review...xox**


	24. i will always love you

****

"To me, _Fearless_ is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, _Fearless_ is having fears. _Fearless_ is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, _Fearless_ is living in spite of those things that scare you to death."  
— Taylor Swift.

Jim packed another dress into the large box labeled clothes and picked out a small button up white T-shirt from the top of the pile. He brought it to his face and breathed in the familiar scent that was his wife. He hadn't stopped crying, not since he and Delia had decided it was time to pack up all of Melinda's things and get them sent away to a shop where they'd be given to someone who didnt appreciate them, someone who didnt know the history behind the brave woman who had once worn them. They'd wear the clothes and put them in the bottom of a wardrobe, probably to never wear again. Jim wanted to keep them, he wanted them to stay hanging in the wardrobe forever, her scent permenantly attached to the cloth of them. But he knew that part of the process of losign someone was letting go. He couldnt stay in the same spot for the rest of his life, thinking about the things he missed about her. He had to move on, and not forget her, but always have her in his heart. With the last of the things packed away, he picked the boxes up and headed to the car. The house felt somewhat empty for some reason. Like without Melinda's things here made it truly sink in that she was actutally gone. She _was _never coming back. Delia sat in the front of the car and Jim closed the boot door and watched as she drove away the last of his wife.

When he got back into the house, he noticed something on the table by the CD player. He walked over and picked up the large white envalope between the CD player and the TV. He read the front. _Dear Jim. Open and listen please, love, MElinda. x _

He opened it up and inside was a large letter. He started to read.

_Dear Jim. _

_I was hoping it wouldn't come to this. And before i go ahead, im sorry. I'm so sorry for leaving you, i fighted...i fighted hard, and sadly i lost. But you know that doesnt mean im gone. I'll be up there in my little cloud in the light looking over you, and theres a little piece of my in that huge heart of yours. So. Basically, this is a thank you letter. I want to thank you for giving me the best life thats possible, and being there for me every step of this illness. I want to thank you for sticking by me dispite everything, the ghosts, the fights (which were barely ever) and all the small things that could have broken us apart, but didn't. I want to thank you for holding me when i needed it, and making me laugh when i felt like the basic foundations around me were crumbling to pieces. Thanks for makign the smile on my face wider than i thought possible. THank you for making me feel good about myself. Thanks for believing in me. and Most of all. Thank you for loving me. There was a time in my life, when i had been upset by so many men that didnt have the ability tto believe, that i thought id never find a guy who would believe in what i could do. I thought that for a girl like me, love, marraige and kids were impossible. But you showed me different, you loved me and you gave me a home and a smile wider than the sun. Although we didnt have children, and we wanted them, that didnt make anything less complete. When we lost the baby, you made that hole it had created disapear, you filled it with joy and there is is again, LOVE. Jim, thanks for walkign down the isle with me and kjeeping your promise (in sickness and in health). We may not have grown old together like we had imagined. But you gave me everything i needed :) And i hope that i gave you what you needed too. Please move on from the memory of me, please find new love, please find new happiness. Know that i do not regret one second that i was with you. THANk YOU. i love you so much, and the CD in here, play it...i hope youll like it :), Melinda irene Gordon. xxoo_

Jim pulled the CD out and placed it in the CD player, he sat on the sofa and closed his eyes.

_Hey honey, thought id make you a CD since you're always going on about me singing, heres your chance to hear it. I picked a cheesy song to start off with because, well i like it and its nice...here we go. _

**_You used to call me your angel_**  
**_Said I was sent straight down from heaven_**  
**_You'd hold me close in your arms_**

**_I loved the way you felt so strong_**  
**_I never wanted you to leave_**  
**_I wanted you to stay here holding me_**  
****

**_I miss you_**  
**_I miss your smile_**  
**_And I still shed a tear_**  
**_Every once in a while_**  
**_And even though it's different now_**  
**_You're still here somehow __my heart won't let you go_**  
**_And I need you to know_**  
**_I miss you, sha la la la la_**  
**_I miss you_**

**...**

_Okay, next, it's just a song i like, it doesnt really have any meaning to it to be honest. _

**_We both lie silently still_**  
**_in the dead of the night_**  
**_Although we both lie close together_**  
**_We feel miles apart inside_**

**_Was it something I said or something I did_**  
**_Did my words not come out right_**  
**_Though I tried not to hurt you_**  
**_Though I tried_**  
**_But I guess that's why they say_**

**_Every rose has its thorn_**  
**_Just like every night has its dawn_**  
**_Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song_**  
**_Every rose has its thorn_**

**_Never _**forget about me though.

_**I was sitting on my doorstep,  
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,  
But I knew I had to do it,  
And he wouldn't understand,  
So hard to see myself without him,  
I felt a piece of my heart break,  
But when you're standing at a crossroad,  
There's a choice you gotta make.**_

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,  
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,  
And let go of some things I've loved,  
To get to the other side,  
I guess it's gonna break me down,  
Like falling when you try to fly,  
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,  
Starts with goodbye

_Okay, thats all i'm singing, but i put some random songs on here, things i like and things that remind me of you, hope you're okay baby, I love you. _

Jim read the piece of paper with the playlist on it with tears running down his cheeks.

**Hero - Enrique Iglasias. Because you were my hero every day. **

**The Fray - how to save a life. You played it on our last date. **

**Jesus take the wheel - carrie underwood. Baby, i know it'll get hard. never EVER give up, never get down, keep your chin up :) im right here. **

**norah jones - chasing pirates. i dont know, but i like pirates :) **

**Norah Jones - dont know why. i dont know why i had to leave :( **

**i will always love you - whitney houston. i will x **

**Laura marling - ghosts. **

**I love you Jim, alwyas will :) **

With tears pouring down his cheeks, he placed it on the table and replayed the CD. he needed to hear her voice again.

**SHIT ebding, sorry. Ill have more up soon x**


	25. try to let go

_**PLEASE read the lyrics below. Lovely song :) Rosie Thomas - you and me. **_

_**You and me, me and you**_  
_**There's so much that we've been through,**_  
_**through it all I've come to understand Gods love.**_  
_**And if tomorrow never comes**_  
_**know this twice, just know this once.**_  
_**Knowing you has made me able to go on.**_  
_**You and me, me and you**_  
_**There couldn't be a better two,**_  
_**to be blessed and know the meaning of true love.**_  
_**And if you leave me I feel scared,**_  
_**fall apart so unprepared.**_  
_**But I dare to make it trough all on my own.**_  
_**Yes I dare to make it trough on my own.**_

With my head pressed up against the cold window, i watched everything in my life disappear into the distance. I didn't want to leave, but i knew that i could never truly move on with my life if i stayed in grandview, there were too many memories embedded on every corner. Delia was driving me to my new appartement in the heart of New york city. I was trying my hardest not to cry, it was like leaving everything i had ever known behind, and never looking back. I didn't know, truly, if this was the right decision. But every room in the house still smelled of her. Everything i see reminds me of her. When im in the square and see the shop, i remember how happy she was when she'd come home to tell me that she'd found a place to start her new buisiness. And now, id need to go past these places, and remember how i had held her in my arms while she cried after she found out she was ill. I would remember how i had been in the same room as her when she took her very last breath, how her skin had turned the colour of snow. How her eyes had gone heavy and she shivered even with 3 blankets over her body. I would remember watching her, losing a little piece of life every day and thinking with every passing moment 'how the hell can't i do anything to save her'. But i was always helpless, there was nothing that me or anybody could do to save Melinda from what had happened. What hurt the most, was that I told her time and time again that she would survive, that shed fight this battle and win with sheer bravery. And although she was brave and strong, she didn't. I had lied to her.

_'baby' _I whispered into the air. _'please come back to me'. _

I had made a promise to move on. But it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong to say goodbye properly, because I didnt want her to be gone, i wanted her to be by my side, holding my hand and telling me that everything was fine. Everything was going to get easier. I couldn't pretend to anyone, nor myself that i was okay. I was lost, i was alone. I was depressed. I never thought I could feel hurt quite like this.

It was exactly 3 months since she had left me, and the pain was still raw. It was still like a fresh open wound in my heart. Melinda Gordon, the woman who took everything she had and made it more beautiful than it was. The woman who had an extraordinary gift, and used it for the most amazing thing ever. The woman who had made so many people believe. The woman who had gave closure to hundreds of grieving souls. The woman who I loved, and the woman who i will never properly let go. Nomatter how hard i try, and how much i know its what needs to be done. It's truly impossible to let go of someone as amazing as Melinda Gordon.

_**I can't **_  
_**I can't stop crying**_  
_**Every day i'm so afraid of dying**_

_**Death already came and got me**_  
_**So i'm not living**_  
_**I'm not living anyway**_

When we arrived at my new appartment, i realised that this was it. It was Me, Jim clancy, starting fresh. There was no more Jim Clancy and Melinda Gordon, who lived in 180 hazen street, grandview. It was now...Jim Clancy, single. Alone. Once had it all and now, has nothing.

Had I taken anything for granted. WE all take life for granted. I thought, the day that i got married that i had eternity with Melinda, i had all the time in the world to have children, grandchildren. But i made the wrong assumption, it was wrong to think that just because we had tied the knot, meant that we really did have a full life of happiness ahead of us.

"you don't forget, you can call at any time, 4am and ill be up and awake for you. Please come see me, alot." Delia said as she stood at the car outside the appartment.

"Delia, you know i'll call you everyday. Thank you so much for everything, you made Melinda and Me so happy. I love you" he cried.

Delia wiped a tear away from her cheek and wrapped her arms around him.

"please take care of yourself, you're not fooling anyone you know. I know it's hard." she whispered.

Jim nodded. "it is, really."

"bye Jim, see you again soon?"

"i'll visit when i'm settled. But i dont wanna come back right now, it's too hard" he said.

Delia nodded and sobbed lightly.

"goodbye."

With that, Jim opened the door to his new life and Delia went back to her car, knowing that this, for Jim, was the beginning of a new life, but not without the memory of his beloved wife going on forever.

_**I can't breathe without you...but I have to. **_

**Okay, that was short, but i hope it did the job? one last chapter, and thats it done...which kinda sucks, coz i love writing this...you guys are so amazing :) xx **


	26. Fearless is

To me, "**FEARLESS**" is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, **FEARLESS** is having fears. **FEARLESS** is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, **FEARLESS** is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.** FEARLESS **is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. **FEARLESS** is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. **FEARLESS** is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again...even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. _**It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change**_.** FEARLESS **is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's **FEARLESS** to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's** FEARLESS** to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry", and walk away. I think loving something despite what people think is **FEARLESS**. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is **FEARLESS. _Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright...That's FEARLESS too_**_. _But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. _**LOVE IS FEARLESS. **_

**_okay, i have LOVED Writing this story. Start to finish and you guys make me sooo happy with your reviews. This chapter was a quote by Taylor wswift. it ended the story right i thought. :) THANKS GUYS! :) and ill be working on new stuff later on this year! :) watch out for it :) love you guys so much! :) x_**


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